For Aliens, By Aliens

A podcast about what it means to be a Hooman

Ep. 32 - Fleshy Time-Snakes

Galactic News 

There’s been a series of space cat burglaries this week throughout the Milky Way Galaxy.

Well, it’s more like a series of cat-naps.

The perpetrators have been stealing spare cats from Earth and selling them on the black cat market.

If you’re a hooman, watch out for random beams of light surrounding your feline friends.

If you’re an alien, don’t buy spare cats.

Keep a vigilant eye on the sky. These guys are not kitten around.

It was the shrug heard round the world.

In the wake of the disastrous 2016 galactic presidential election, in which incumbent Quarf Schweppes lost the popular vote but accidentally ate his victorious challenger, Ham Sandwich, the Milky Way galactic parliament has, in an unprecedented move, voted to re-elect president Quarf Schweppes.

After the controversial vote, President-Elect Quarf Schweppes lauded the decision of the legislature, and vowed to turn over a new leaf:

“During the election last year, my stress eating was out of control, as the late Ham Sandwich knows all too well. I gained 150 pounds, and I know I’ve disappointed you all by not being the lean, mean sexy president machine that everyone used to love.” 

Our president then proceeded to tear away his suit, revealing skimpy, 80s-inspired workout clothes beneath. Slipping a sweatband over his forehead, president Schweppes announced 2017 to be the year of presidential fitness, and that he was officially declaring the Milky Way a “no fatties zone.”

He then performed a few embarrassing high-kicks before jogging away from the parliament building.

Welcome to 2017, folks. It’s gonna be a weird one. 


Earth News

2016 is over, which marks the first year that the population of wild tigers has increased in 100 years.

Go tigers!

Ep. 31 - Christmas, Part 2: This Time It's Personal

Galactic News

Playboy gazillionaire alien, Faxafillion Zeads, has bought his own planet in the Layzon sector of the Golorous Nebula. All inhabitants of the planet have been ordered to vacate their homes by the first of the month or risk becoming indentured servants to their planet overlord.

Faxafillion plans to, quote, “demolish everything and build the largest mansion known to sentience. It’s going to cover every square centimeter of the planet.

"Sooooo many hot tubs and indoor tiki bars. I’m gonna paint nipples on all five moons and chlorinate the oceans. There’s gonna be rooms with all mirrors, you know, for fucking. Rooms with all blacklights, rooms with all mirrors and black lights, even rooms full of sandcastle models of other cool rooms within the house, life size, you know, for fucking.”

Faxafillion Zeads has created a Spacebook event invite for new citizens. #no ugos.

A stocking shortage on Galaga 6 has led to a frostbite epidemic across the planet. The Galagans, of course, are known for their disgusting, bulbous feet, which are traditionally warmed by oversized stockings during the long Galagan winters.

In a public statement, company Stockings Inc. explained that the shortage is due to an increased demand on planet Earth, where the same type of stockings are used in a strange seasonal ritual in which large socks are hung near an open flame and stuffed with candy and small toys.

This explanation did little to comfort the thousands of Galagans who have already lost toes or entire feet this winter. Frigid Galagans across the planet have taken to the streets in protest, many burning effigies of hooman children in pajamas. 

When reached by phone for comment, Hooman Jeff Taylor said, “Stop calling me at home, you damn telemarketers, I’m eating dinner with my family,” then hung up.


Earth News

A man wrapped firecrackers around his body and lit them on fire.

This guy’s an idiot. 

Ep. 30 - Christmas, Part 1: Origins

Galactic News

Citizens of the Milky Way Galaxy are calling for a revote after the winner of the popular galactic vote, Ham Sandwich, was eaten by incumbent Quarf Schweppes moments before his landslide victory was announced.

Outrage has been pouring in from voters across the galaxy. Most are saying that eating a political opponent is not very presidential and are demanding that Quarf Schweppes simultaneously step down as current president and as potential presidential candidate.

And in case things sounded like they couldn’t get any more convoluted, confusing, or queefed, clear evidence has been found that the Jaymex Galaxy has rigged the MIlky Way elections to favor Quarf Schweppes all along.

This election is fucking comic book crazy, but we’ll keep you updated.

This week in galactic news, obese elf and former galactic dictator Santa Claus has released a statement from his exile on planet Earth. We bring you this statement now:

"People of the Milky Way. This earth year marks the 1,256th solar rotation since the end of the Red War, which saw my government overthrown, my family murdered, and my own exile to the arctic wasteland of planet Earth. Each December 24th, I carry out the pilgrimage prescribed by my conspirators. I travel around this tiny planet delivering meaningless trinkets to hooman pupae, then return to my exile. 

"But this year I beg of you: Please release me from this torture. Allow me to leave this godforsaken planet and return to live with my people. You have nothing to fear from me. I am, and ever shall be, your humble servant."

Our reporters have informed us that, in a desperate attempt to flee planet earth, Mr. Claus has started some kind of online crowdfunding campaign.

Don't fall for it hoomans! This ruthless warlord must not be loosed upon the Galaxy again.

Earth News

Underwear sales are bulging during the holiday season.

Ep. 29 - Justice Narb

Galactic News

The Valtrex Galaxy has developed an acute case of space dementia and has been asking the local galaxies, "Where are my reading glasses?" and "What were we talking about?" and "Who were you?"

"Oh, that’s right, and why is that black hole where my wife used to be?. . .Oh no. . ."

"Wait, where are my reading glasses?"


A graffiti artist is terrorizing residents of Flomax, a quiet suburban planet overlooking the Horsehead Nebula. 

Flomaxian Barf Lundgren awoke Thursday morning to find a crop circle imprinted on his front lawn, depicting the unmistakable image of Flomaxian male genitalia. The bulbous tubes, throbbing veins, and tight sphincters of the organ were rendered in vivid, lifelike detail that might be impressive if not for the unfortunate location.

“It’s disgraceful,” Lundgren stated. “My children aren’t ready to see a massive grindle like that. No one is ready for that.”

The massive crop grindle is the fifth of its kind to appear on Flomax in the last week.

Crop circles are, of course, widely used as a means of galactic graffiti, but rarely to such lifelike effect. Many in the urban art community are hailing the artist as “the Banksy of grindles. Some have even offered to buy Lundgren’s lawn which is now considered a collector’s item.

“It’s disgusting,” Lundgren muttered, staring out at his lawn. “Incredibly realistic, but disgusting.”

Earth News

Bananamamagrams are back. Get them while they're cold and uncomfortable. 

Ep. 28 - Happy Tube - Stink!

Galactic News 

A new hip bar has opened up in the Sombrero Galaxy run by some ancient cephalopods. All their cocktails are made from fresh homemade gluten-free ink.

They’ve got black ink cocktails, like the Ichor of Death and The Deep Hole of Silence, and blue ink cocktails, like the Tentacle Pour and the Mountains of Madness which turns blue when it’s cold. They even have mixed ink cocktails like the Shadows of InnYourMouth and the PBandJellyfish.

They’ve been generating a lot of galactic buzz.

So, if you’re ever in the Sombrero Galaxy, you should check out the Cthulhu Lounge...or else.

This week in galactic news, retailers around the Milky Way geared up for the holiday season. However, with no less than 1,465,389 distinct holidays to celebrate, some retailers weren't sure how to appeal to an increasingly galacticized customer base

One entrepreneur thinks he has the answer. Lorellian businessman Hap Shemath has written a visual algorithm to automatically recombine aspects from each of the 1,465,389 holiday traditions into a single chimera of good cheer. 

"No one is left out, so no one can be offended." He states. 

Not everyone is so quickly convinced, however. The seething yule beast of Shemath's creation is reported to be so terrifying that many are calling it "the visual brown note", and parents are reporting an increase in night screams and gushing nosebleeds from children who have witnessed the jolly holiday mascot.

Backlash against the holiday creature has been swift and decisive. In an incredible show of galactic unity, aliens of all creeds have demanded a Galaxy-wide ban of the beast, and some groups are even calling for a day of celebration to commemorate its downfall.

This, of course, would increase the number of galactic holidays to 1,456,390.

Earth News

Fidel Castro, cat enthusiast and pokémon gym leader has died. 

His last words were, "I think I caught 'em all."

Ep. 27 - Every Day is Boat Day

Galactic News

On a certain planet, in a galaxy far far away (we aren’t not using names just to be mysterious, we don’t actually know the name of the planet or the galaxy), time has begun to move backwards.

This is especially hard on mothers who have just given birth and Stan, who just got that promotion he’s been working for so long.

On the upside, men are big fans of the injaculations. And Stan didn’t really deserve that promotion anyway. 

This week we have a public health announcement for all you milkshake lovers out there.

The galactic food and drug administration had issued a warning against the consumption of yummy milkshakes from all Burger Dome franchises, stating that "they aren't milkshakes at all, and make no attempt to even appear milkshake-like."

Rather, these tasty concoctions are, quote, "very obviously a foamy concoction of microorganisms that are likely to wreak havoc on the digestive system of any carbon-based life form they enter. These milkshakes are not even cold"

Mmm, warm and foamy, sounds tasty FDA!


Earth News

You're the turkey! 

"It ain't cool to be no jive turkey this close the Thanksgiving."

Ep. 26 - Did Someone Take a Trump in Here?

Galactic News

The universe was stunned Tuesday night when third party underdog, Ham Sandwich, overcame astounding odds to become the first non-sentient president elect in galactic history.

No one was more surprised than incumbent president Quarf Schweppes, whose concession speech consisted simply of low moans through mouthfuls of half-chewed food. 

Earth-alien Ted Cruz was similarly despondent, and stated that, after the loss of his second election, he planned to move to the Zodiac galaxy, which is, of course,'populated entirely by emotionless automatons

But when it was time to make it's victory speech, Ham Sandwich could not be located by staffers. After two hours of frantic searching by the secret service, the election results were thrown into further turmoil:

Quarf Schweppes had eaten President elect Ham Sandwich.

Now, with no clear victor in the galactic presidential election, the Milky Way enters a period of uncertainty. What does the future hold? The prospects are, at best, milky.

We just wanted to check in on everyone. We know it’s been a rough week for most of you, and we wanted to let you all know that we’re here for you, that life will go on, and as devastated as you feel now, this too shall pass and it’s important to stay positive.

We are, of course, referring to the space giants who have been travelling through the cosmos on asteroids demolishing every mailbox in sight.

That’s a space federal crime you damn dirty giants! 

Earth News

Nothing devastating or deeply unsettling has happened. Nothing at all.

Ep. 25 - Birth: The Light at the End of the Tunnel

Galactic News

Corn has made it to outer space. Monsanto, the evil American corn monopoly, has their sights set on pretty much every star in the milky way galaxy.

They have genetically engineered the seeds for a corn that will turn itself into a heavily insulated corn rocket that will shoot itself off into space upon maturation.

When the corn rocket reaches another planet, it will detach its myriad of seeds, each of which is altered slightly to optimize its ability to grow in a different sort of potentially hostile alien environment.

Scientists are saying that this could ultimately lead to a cornpocalypse of galactic proportions.

One scientist was quoted as saying, “We’ve been so worried about the singularity of artificial intelligence, we never thought to worry about corn.”

This week, we took a break from our usual election coverage to bring you closer to the voice of the voters themselves in our meet a voter campaign. 

The tight galactic presidential race between incumbent Quarf Schweppes, Earth-looney Ted Cruz, and independent challenger Ham Sandwich has left the Milky Way more divided than ever.

To foster greater understanding, let’s listen to a supporter to each candidate explain their views.

First we have Antwerp Maplethorn, a Quarf Schweppes supporter from Amicroon 5:

“I simply can’t vote for a human candidate. It’s not that I’m racist, it’s just that Ted Cruz is so… human. Wait, does that light mean you’re recording? Don’t record that.”

Next we have Fromp Queebly from Ragnar 6, who is a staunch advocate for Ted Cruz:

“Ted Cruz stands for values I can believe in. Small government. Big religion. Zero relatability. Those are the qualities I look for in a leader.”

And finally, Narb Johnson, who is casting his lot in with independent candidate ham sandwich. 

“Sure, I’d love a ham sandwich.”

This has been Meet a Voter.

Earth News

Men's cycles are syncing up. Just ask your Earth Ambassadors Jacob and Aaron. 

Ep. 24 - Ghost Aliens from the Future

Galactic News

Scientists on planet Langlorn have found the cure for N.A.R.B.s.

For all you ignoramoose, is a situational disorder known only to the male of the species, or more commonly known as, a no apparent reason boner.

Jacob and Aaron just wish those scientists lived a bit closer to Earth.

Incumbent galactic president Quarf Schweppes has signed a new executive order that would completely outlaw voting.

The order comes on the heels of new polling numbers showing that president schweppes is falling farther behind earth-looney Ted Cruz and third party candidate ham sandwich.

The order is, of course, complete nonsense, and has no power whatsoever.

When reached for comment, Quarf Schweppes, cleared this throat like he was going to say something then just started softly weeping into the phone receiver. This went on for about five minutes before his campaign manager finally hung up the phone.

Earth News

Aaron might have heard someone get murdered in the apartment above his, but maybe he was dreaming. It's hard to tell. Even he is not sure. 

Happy Halloween!

Ep. 23 - Stormy Weather, Since My Alien and I Ain't Together

Galactic News 

Milp, the only known sentient moon of the planet Amicroon 8 is now on strike, citing multiple lunar rights violations as the cause.

Amicroon 8 has not yet been available for response, but if something doesn’t change, they may very well lose their only moon.

Milp the moon left us with this quote: “I’m tired of all this back and forth. Even if it takes me fifty billion years, I’m not spending one more minute in this orbit.”

Milp then started moving away from Amicroon 8 at 4cm per year. 

Galactic presidential candidates Quarf Schweppes and Ted Cruz may have some new competition on the campaign trail.

Third-party candidate ham sandwich is showing a surprising surge in key battleground planets. On some, like Pontiac 5, Ham Sandwich is now polling within four percentage points of both major party nominees.

When reached for comment, Ham Sandwich said nothing at all. Because it's a literal ham sandwich.

Earth News

Netflix is poppin' off. Shows like Luke Cage and Haters Back Off. 

Come on Netflix. We all got shit to do in our own lives.

Back the fuck off...but not really. Keep 'em coming. We love you.

Ep. 22 - The Adventures of Beard and Sallie-Boy

Galactic News

Space Turtles are on the move again.

Every century in Earth years, the space turtles start their long migration to a neighboring galaxy, which they designate as their boning galaxy.

Then, they come back to this galaxy, where they lay hundreds of eggs which are eaten by space-gulls, space-ghost crabs, and space dingos.

Bone voyage space turtles!

On the campaign trail this week, both galactic presidential candidates headed to the home planet of challenger Ted Cruz.

The stop proved trying for both candidates. Ted Cruz quickly found that his home-field advantage was nonexistent, as many hoomans continue to be under the impression that ted Cruz is, quote, some kind of alien.

Quarf Schweppes didn't fare much better. When campaigning in the Earth city of Seattle, most hoomans assumed he was homeless, and only offered their support in the form of crumpled earth-money.

Reportedly, his agitated cries of "I'm the president of the Galaxy" and did nothing to aid his flagging campaign.

Even so, Quarf Schweppes is still polling much stronger on earth than his rival, alleged Hooman Ted Cruz.

Earth News 

Dumpster babies: fact or fiction? We may never know.

Ep. 21 - Have One on Us!

Galactic News

Sex-toy manufacturer, Pluggz, has issued a galaxy-wide recall for their popular Punisher line.

They get stuck folks!

After the devastating galactic presidential debate this last space-Monday against Ted Cruz, Quarf Schweppes has given a barrage of excuses for his  performance.

There was a bad space-microphone which only he seemed to notice. He didn’t want to call it a conspiracy, but he was sure that Space-Fox News would agree.

Also, he complained that he got all the hard questions, and the moderator was a total grumpapotamus for asking him questions about topics he didn’t completely understand or even want to talk about.

Meanwhile, viewers liked how confident his lies sounded and were really all-around impressed with how many times he interrupted the other candidate. 

Earth News

Mercury is in retrograde, but no one knows what that means, or cares. 

Go home Mercury

Ep. 20 - American History:
For Dummies by Dummies

Galactic News 

After a humiliating defeat on Earth, former American presidential candidate Ted Cruz has thrown his hat into the galactic political ring.

This November, he will be challenging incumbent Milky Way President Quarf Schweppes for the the top office.

In an early straw poll, Milky Way residents are excited at the prospect of Cruz entering the race, because they appreciate his robotic personality and his fugly, alien-like features.

“He’s just like us,” they say.

More on this as it develops.

Doey Zeschanel, the smoothest voice in galactic funk this side of Amicroon 8, has been brutally assassinated by the second smoothest vocalist, Kennedict Bumberbatch, further solidifying his place as the funkiest comadena in the galaxy.

But watch out Kennedict Bumberbatch, Ghoopi Woldberg might be the new funkiest galactic cat on the scene, and she might be out for your funky-ass soul.

Ya dig?

Earth News

Isn't Three Ninjas about due for a revamp? 

Ep. 19 - Wed on Arrival

Galactic News

This week in galactic news, researchers across the galaxy are reporting that science is... Done!

That's right, all facts are now known, and all questions have been answered.

With the scientific community expressing concern at re-entering a tough job market, many are now planning to travel back in time to try and solve science all over again, but even faster this time.

"I want to get the high score," said one scientist, just before leaping into a wormhole.

Triangles have been banned in the Rangar portion of the Jaymex galaxy.

This has been the cause of a lot of controversy and more than a little speculation as to the cumulative repercussions.

Some cosmic economic analysts have predicted that this will surely have a negative impact on Rangar's economy, and there have already been reports of triangle smugglers who are gathering up all the isosceles, acute, and even obtuse triangles they can get their dirty little hands on.

The ones who really suffer here are low income families who eat Doritos and pizza-by-the-slice. Also, everyone else, because after all, the food pyramid is a triangle.

We’ll keep you updated.

Earth News

Bats have seized control of Wisconsin.

However, the earth media, controlled of course by the man-bat elite, has failed to report the development.

It may not be the Wisconsin they need, but it is the Wisconsin they deserve.


Ep. 18 - The Best Button to Button

Galactic News

There has been an outbreak of spatially transmitted diseases near the Milky Way Galaxy.

This week has marked an all time high for implosions, spots, rings, and discharge in the region.

When reached, Milky Way Galaxy President Quarf Schweppes said, “No, there’s no way I’m at risk for that. I haven’t been engaging in any risky behavior.”

He then smiled awkwardly and refused to answer any more questions on the subject.

As our reporter was leaving, Quarf Schweppes punched the speaker button for his office and yelled, “Meredith! Get my wife on the phone. I think we both need to get checked out.”

The Spoomian refugee camps on Ragnar 7 are making headlines once again thanks to a series of protests mounted by local Ragnarians.

As you may or may not remember, the residents of Spoom were forced to flee their planet after it unexpectedly fell into its parent star. The event instantly incinerated 90% of the Spoomian population, and the only home any of the survivors had ever known.

Many remaining Spoomians made their way to the neighboring Ragnar system where their unimaginable plight was met with annoyance by local residents. 

“They’re just a real bummer,” Senator Giblet Snarf of Ragnar 4 stated. “They just sit around looking sad all the time. And I’m like, ‘you’re alive! go get a job or something.”

After a protracted political scuffle, the Spoomians were finally relegated to the uninhabited arctic wastes of Ragnar 7, where they could mourn in peace, without, quote, “killing the mood.” 
But Spoomians are feeling the heat again — so to speak — for their controversial hunting practices.

“The Ragnarian stink bug is a galactic treasure,” protester Mindal Thwaight stated. “The Spoomians have no right to disrupt the ecosystem of Ragnar 7 with their illegal hunting of these insects.”

The Ragarian Stink Bug, known across the galaxy for its unsightly appearance, ungodly screeching, and, of course, pungent odor, is the only species native to Ragnar 7, where the Spoomians are now encamped. 

When contacted for comment, one Spoomian refugee had this to say: “We must eat, and the Stink Bug is the only thing here for us. I don’t understand. If the Ragnarian government provided us with food we could stop eating these disgusting things. My clothes reek. My only living son is starving. Please, please help us.'

But Senator Giblet Snarf is unconvinced, “Nice try, Spoomians. Endanger our noble stink bug and then ask for handouts? That’s not going to fly in the Ragnar system.”

In related news, data shows that the Stink Bug population on Ragnar 7 is increasing, thanks to the fact that frozen Spoomian cadavers and excrement are an ideal habitat for stink bug larvae.

Way to hang in there, Ragnarian stink bug!

Earth News

Handlebar mustaches are out. No arguments.

Ep. 15 - Vacation, Pt. 2: The Airbnb Murders

Galactic News

We’ve received a big update on Gormza Dalon this week.

The galactic peace-prize recipient and cool-cool-cool-space-dude alien has gone missing after being broken out of space-jail by a newly sentient space monkey named Caesar.

It seems that the space monkey had a whole lot of help from his space monkey friends, who Caesar has been feeding these peculiar oblong yellow space fruits.

As of yet, we have no idea where they have taken Gormza Dalon. All we know is that things are heating up on the planet Fernlinton as an all-out war has broken out between the space monkeys and the rest of the planet’s military.

Good luck out there Gormza Dalon.

Doctor Killjoy -- it's a name that used to send a shiver down the exospine of every pupa in the galaxy, but in his retirement the former galactic super villain is bringing comfort to those in need.

In his prime, the one-time arch nemesis of stellar überhero Flash Wilson brought a sudden and untimely death to millions, but with his new business Euthanetics, he's bringing his reign of terror to the average consumer.

In a recent press conference, Killjoy had this to say:

"I realized there were plenty of people out there who wanted to die -- you know, uggos, fatties, middle aged fast-food workers -- but they don't want to do it any old way. Euthanetics is all about finding those people and giving them a suicide with a little pizzazz, you know? Like, remember that time I microwaved an entire planet, and the little aliens all exploded like little pop corns? Pretty great right! That's the kind of death that customers can expect from Doctor Killjoy."

Will the galactic supervillain's business be successful? With former überhero Flash Wilson out of the game due to debilitating Alzheimer's, the possibilities for Euthanetics seem wide open!

Good luck, Doctor Killjoy.


Ep. 14 - Vacation, Part 1: Ninja Punch

Galactic News 

Gormza Dalon, self-help guru, galactic peace-prize recipient, and all-around-just-cool-cool-cool-dude alien, is still in jail this week after feeding a yellow oblong fruit to a space monkey named Caesar.

Apparently, on planet Fernlinton, feeding a zoo animal is strictly forbidden and comes with a death sentence.

The zoo police have been reporting odd behavior from Caesar the space monkey’s space-cage.

He seems to be standing more, gesticulating wildly, and is almost finished with the third volume of Proust. 

Continuing their recent run of medical advancements, this week, researchers in the Andromeda Galaxy announced that they have discovered the cure for ugly.

Since the announcement, immigration from the Milky Way to Andromeda has increased by 539%. 

The ugly vaccine is covered by Andromedian free health care, a concept that the Milky Way Galaxy still hasn't quite figured out. 

When reached for comment, Milky Way galactic president Quarf Schweppes said, "That's very interesting." He then pressed a button on the phone that was not the hold button and shouted "Merideth, get me a ticket to Andromeda. Now that I think about it, get me one for my wife, too."


Earth News

In the farthest reaches of a deep, dark, deep, deep dark, dark deep desert, the space cowboy is in a heated firefight with the gangster of love.

Maurice is on the scene and will keep us updated on new developments.

We will, of course, have to translate his patented neologisms to know what the hell he’s talking about.

Ep. 13 - Lucky Number Thirteen

Galactic News

This week marks the beginning of a dark hole year in the known universe.

So, for the rest of the year all dark holes will be competing against one another to suck up as much light and as many stars as possible.

At the end of the universal year, which is roughly between fifty billion to thirteen trillion Earth Years, the winner will be awarded the rest of the known universe to eat at its own leisure.

A new political movement is gaining popularity on Faragon 7 -- the anti-nihilist party has recently elected their first representative to the planetary parliament.

Taking the stage to make his victory speech, representative Callum McCann repeated the anti-nihilist credo: "We don't believe in not believing in anything."

The nihilists briefly considered nominating a candidate to oppose the anti-nihilists, but felt that this would violate the spirit of their party.

Now, the future looks uncertain for the Nihilists on a world of aliens ready to believe in... Something?

Earth News

Aliens have confirmed that Earth is in fact getting hotter and that global warming is in fact real, and that Donald Trump’s hair can in fact be seen from outer space. 

Ep. 12 - Sister, Sister, Sister

Galactic News

Director James Cameron arrived on Europa this week.

He immediately covered the entire planet in green screen, and planned a trilogy. No one asked him to do this. He just did it.

Earth News

This week — for the first time in human history, teenage boys looked at Pokémon more than their own penises.

Way to go, Earth!


© Jacob Rosok and Aaron Patterson, 2016