There’s been a series of space cat burglaries this week throughout the Milky Way Galaxy.
Well, it’s more like a series of cat-naps.
The perpetrators have been stealing spare cats from Earth and selling them on the black cat market.
If you’re a hooman, watch out for random beams of light surrounding your feline friends.
If you’re an alien, don’t buy spare cats.
Keep a vigilant eye on the sky. These guys are not kitten around.
It was the shrug heard round the world.
In the wake of the disastrous 2016 galactic presidential election, in which incumbent Quarf Schweppes lost the popular vote but accidentally ate his victorious challenger, Ham Sandwich, the Milky Way galactic parliament has, in an unprecedented move, voted to re-elect president Quarf Schweppes.
After the controversial vote, President-Elect Quarf Schweppes lauded the decision of the legislature, and vowed to turn over a new leaf:
“During the election last year, my stress eating was out of control, as the late Ham Sandwich knows all too well. I gained 150 pounds, and I know I’ve disappointed you all by not being the lean, mean sexy president machine that everyone used to love.”
Our president then proceeded to tear away his suit, revealing skimpy, 80s-inspired workout clothes beneath. Slipping a sweatband over his forehead, president Schweppes announced 2017 to be the year of presidential fitness, and that he was officially declaring the Milky Way a “no fatties zone.”
He then performed a few embarrassing high-kicks before jogging away from the parliament building.
Welcome to 2017, folks. It’s gonna be a weird one.
2016 is over, which marks the first year that the population of wild tigers has increased in 100 years.