For Aliens, By Aliens

A podcast about what it means to be a Hooman

Ep. 31 - Christmas, Part 2: This Time It's Personal

Galactic News

Playboy gazillionaire alien, Faxafillion Zeads, has bought his own planet in the Layzon sector of the Golorous Nebula. All inhabitants of the planet have been ordered to vacate their homes by the first of the month or risk becoming indentured servants to their planet overlord.

Faxafillion plans to, quote, “demolish everything and build the largest mansion known to sentience. It’s going to cover every square centimeter of the planet.

"Sooooo many hot tubs and indoor tiki bars. I’m gonna paint nipples on all five moons and chlorinate the oceans. There’s gonna be rooms with all mirrors, you know, for fucking. Rooms with all blacklights, rooms with all mirrors and black lights, even rooms full of sandcastle models of other cool rooms within the house, life size, you know, for fucking.”

Faxafillion Zeads has created a Spacebook event invite for new citizens. #no ugos.

A stocking shortage on Galaga 6 has led to a frostbite epidemic across the planet. The Galagans, of course, are known for their disgusting, bulbous feet, which are traditionally warmed by oversized stockings during the long Galagan winters.

In a public statement, company Stockings Inc. explained that the shortage is due to an increased demand on planet Earth, where the same type of stockings are used in a strange seasonal ritual in which large socks are hung near an open flame and stuffed with candy and small toys.

This explanation did little to comfort the thousands of Galagans who have already lost toes or entire feet this winter. Frigid Galagans across the planet have taken to the streets in protest, many burning effigies of hooman children in pajamas. 

When reached by phone for comment, Hooman Jeff Taylor said, “Stop calling me at home, you damn telemarketers, I’m eating dinner with my family,” then hung up.

 

Earth News

A man wrapped firecrackers around his body and lit them on fire.

This guy’s an idiot. 

© Jacob Rosok and Aaron Patterson, 2016