For Aliens, By Aliens

A podcast about what it means to be a Hooman

Ep. 11 - Space Food

Galactic News

George Lucas has finally returned to Earth after his 20-year intergalactic litigation process wherein he was sued over the likeness of his characters the “ewoks” from The Return of the Jedi for violating the Waku aliens right to publicity, or likeness copyright infringement.

While away in space court, Lucas was issued a stand in clone that looked and acted like him. This included the making of a prequel trilogy to his original Star Wars trilogy and the selling of Lucasfilm to Disney.

After returning to find his legacy in shambles, George Lucas has been despondent and will not leave skywalker ranch.

And just across the void, Andromeda’s galactic prime minister is pleased to announce the complete eradication of stupidity from the Andromedian population.

This marks the culmination of an aggressive vaccination campaign by the galactic health officials in the last decade.

“This is a landmark day in Andromedian history,” the prime minister said, “and we hope to see our neighboring galaxies take similar measures in the coming years.”


Meanwhile, Milky President Quarf Schweppes could not be reached for comment, as he was not able to figure out how to use the telephone.

Earth News

Things are bad, real bad. So, you know, hang in there. 

Ep. 10 - Let There Be Lamps!

Galactic News

Two alien families had a mix up at Zorgon Hospital this week. The father and mother of a beautiful baby Souvian Klomp went home with a Chinese baby.

It took them three days to realize that the Chinese baby’s eyes were different. This was obvious, in retrospect, because Souvian Klomps don’t have eyes.

When reached for comment, they said, “We like the baby, and plan to keep it.”

A hiker on Lithgo 5 was savagely mauled by space-bears this week.

According to witnesses, with the way he was dressed, he was totally asking for it.

Canadian News

Canadians don't have news.

Ep. 9 - Un-Naked

Galactic News

Animals all across the Sombrero Galaxy were outraged today when the galaxy’s comptroller Nuinn Niunn ate a live (for our purposes) dog on live (for our purposes) television.

He kept looking around saying, “What’s the big deal?”

Nuinn Niunn is scheduled for a press conference, then a hearing, and then an execution by dog.

You know what they say, “Live by the dogs, die by the dogs.”

 This week, Milky Way President Quarf Schweppes made an impromptu visit to Centauri 6. A long-time fan of Centauri-style goat-pube sandwiches, the president reportedly just had to swing by for a bite.

The visit, which shut down interplanetary highways for several hours, led to long delays for local commuters.

Centauri resident Boofer Ferguson had this to say:

“I didn’t vote for Quarf Schwepps. He’s infringing on my rights to free… speech, or something. Next thing you know he’s going to be taking all of my molecular disintegration modules away. It’s like, where does it stop, you know?”

Earth News

Great Britain succeeded from the European Union like a(n) (insert the word champ or ass-machine). 

Ep. 8 - Arts and Farts and Crafts

Galactic News

Attention all hoomans! "Cruise Planet", Zycor's new life-long pleasure ship, has gone off course on its maiden voyage. The planet-sized vessel, which travels at about 30 lightyears/hour, has reported a small miscalculation in its navigation, and is currently on course to collide with Planet Earth. 


We advise all Earth residents to evacuate the planet within the next fifteen seconds. Good luck out there, Hoomans!

Gormza Dalon, philosopher and author of Walking Backward, Walking Forward, and Sidling Off Sideways has just won a galactic peace prize for brokering peace between the long waring planet Negonarach and its moon Tannis.

The planet and moon have been at war for over three million years. The solution is the Gormza Accord. Instead of fighting, both moon and planet will create a lottery wherein the losers will be jettisoned into the nearest of the three suns of the nearest solar system, according to which one is closest on the day of the launch.

They both agreed that, it's sort of more humane this way.

When asked how he managed such a great feet, Gormza said, "I don't know. It was just, sort of, kind of an accident, you know," Well, if we know our Gormza, he's just being modest, as usual. 

A small update on our earlier breaking news: the crew of Zycor's Cruise Planet were wrong again! Instead of colliding with earth, the massive ship hit nearby Centauri 6 instead, causing both vessel and planet to disintegrate immediately.

Apologies to Hoomans for the alarm, and our condolences to the families of the 45 billion aliens killed in today's mishap, but at least they died doing what they loved. Well, except for the aliens on Centauri 6. They're just dead.

 

 

Ep. 7 - First Contact!

Galactic News

A luxury space cruiser has lost all power and has become stranded in the Layzon sector of the Golorous nebula. The passengers have complained about the lack of shrimp cocktail, but have rave reviews about the house special shrimp stew.

The staff, having initially voiced deep concerns about the surplus of fecal waste onboard, has gone suspiciously silent.

When asked what he planned to do about the situation, the lead janitor looked at our correspondent with wide eyes and said, “We’ve got it all under control. Have you tried the stew?”

Earth News

Vaginas are up 10% from last quarter.

Ep. 6 - Back to School

Galactic News

The galactic Mouth-Hole Administration has initiated a recall of all Zycor "Mealables" nutrition-replacement products. Reports indicate that the continued consumption of "Mealables" products has been found to cause children to swell uncontrollably, then split down the middle in a, quote "terrible rending of flesh."

When the flesh of the child falls away, a copy of the original child is found in its place. These doppelgängers look and act just like normal children. But are they? Only time will tell.

In the meantime, maybe lay off the Mealables.

Meanwhile, troubles mount for the beleaguered Zycor corporation as it has been announced that co-founder and galactic philanthropist Ford Vintner had gone missing.

This pansexual playboy was last seen with his twin boyfriends leaving a literal launch party after the first successful takeoff of Zycor's new high-speed space pod. Investors await the eccentric quazillionaire's return as Zycor's stocks continue to plummet.

And in other parts of the universe. Another fight has broken out between galaxies, resulting in yet another galaxy cluster.  

Ep. 5 - Sportsball!

Galactic News

Mempt Flunnnnn held the christening ceremony this week for their fourth, and some say, final moon, Ipsis.

After breaking a country-sized bottle of champagne over the moon, the mayor of the planet cut an enormous ceremonial red ribbon with an equally enormous set of ceremonial scissors.

After cutting the ribbon, which had been holding the moon in place, the mayor nudged the moon with the blunt side of the scissors to set it on its counterclockwise orbit.

He then stepped back and said, “Look at it go. Just look at it go”

The final game of the Spaceball World Series took place last night, with the Galaxy-favorite Amicroon Face-Holes pitted against underdog earth rivals, the Toronto Blue Jays. 

In Seventeen outings of play, the Face Holes put their snarf in the Blue Jays' krumkakke 9-and-a-half times, making the final score a devastating two-to-nothing.

When asked about the disappointing loss in the locker room after the game, Toronto Blue Jays Jose Bautista stated, "I don't know where I am. I'm in a lot of pain, and I just want to go home."

Better luck next year, Blue Jays!

Ep. 4 - (Hoo)man's Best Friend

Galactic News

Towards the back end of the Jaymex galaxy lies a small unassuming red gas planet.

The inhabitants of the surrounding solar systems report that they have never seen it before, and would like us to ask our alien listeners if anyone has misplaced their planet, and if so, would they mind retrieving it?

Apparently, it is blocking the particularly stunning view of the blue mesoplanet behind it and is, “bumming out the locals and would really be great if it, just, like, wasn’t there anymore.”

 

Earth News

An East Texas man, Harris Williams, says he was recently abducted and anally probed by a group of aliens claiming to be on a science mission from the Amicroon system.

When reached for comment, Chancellor Delorean from Amicroon 8 said, "That's totally not something we would even do. Why would he say that? He probably wishes we would anally probe him."

 

Ep. 3 - Do Aliens Dream of Little Green Sheep?

Galactic News

This week marks the beginning of the bicentennial docility act on Tannis, the closest inhabited moon to its arch nemesis planet, Negonarach.

The docility act states that within this month, both the moon and the planet will cease all hostility in order to find mates for the warriors who have, inevitably at this point, been fighting for two years straight without rest.

Good for them.

© Jacob Rosok and Aaron Patterson, 2016