For Aliens, By Aliens

A podcast about what it means to be a Hooman

Filtering by Tag: Centauri 6

Ep. 9 - Un-Naked

Galactic News

Animals all across the Sombrero Galaxy were outraged today when the galaxy’s comptroller Nuinn Niunn ate a live (for our purposes) dog on live (for our purposes) television.

He kept looking around saying, “What’s the big deal?”

Nuinn Niunn is scheduled for a press conference, then a hearing, and then an execution by dog.

You know what they say, “Live by the dogs, die by the dogs.”

 This week, Milky Way President Quarf Schweppes made an impromptu visit to Centauri 6. A long-time fan of Centauri-style goat-pube sandwiches, the president reportedly just had to swing by for a bite.

The visit, which shut down interplanetary highways for several hours, led to long delays for local commuters.

Centauri resident Boofer Ferguson had this to say:

“I didn’t vote for Quarf Schwepps. He’s infringing on my rights to free… speech, or something. Next thing you know he’s going to be taking all of my molecular disintegration modules away. It’s like, where does it stop, you know?”

Earth News

Great Britain succeeded from the European Union like a(n) (insert the word champ or ass-machine). 

Ep. 8 - Arts and Farts and Crafts

Galactic News

Attention all hoomans! "Cruise Planet", Zycor's new life-long pleasure ship, has gone off course on its maiden voyage. The planet-sized vessel, which travels at about 30 lightyears/hour, has reported a small miscalculation in its navigation, and is currently on course to collide with Planet Earth. 


We advise all Earth residents to evacuate the planet within the next fifteen seconds. Good luck out there, Hoomans!

Gormza Dalon, philosopher and author of Walking Backward, Walking Forward, and Sidling Off Sideways has just won a galactic peace prize for brokering peace between the long waring planet Negonarach and its moon Tannis.

The planet and moon have been at war for over three million years. The solution is the Gormza Accord. Instead of fighting, both moon and planet will create a lottery wherein the losers will be jettisoned into the nearest of the three suns of the nearest solar system, according to which one is closest on the day of the launch.

They both agreed that, it's sort of more humane this way.

When asked how he managed such a great feet, Gormza said, "I don't know. It was just, sort of, kind of an accident, you know," Well, if we know our Gormza, he's just being modest, as usual. 

A small update on our earlier breaking news: the crew of Zycor's Cruise Planet were wrong again! Instead of colliding with earth, the massive ship hit nearby Centauri 6 instead, causing both vessel and planet to disintegrate immediately.

Apologies to Hoomans for the alarm, and our condolences to the families of the 45 billion aliens killed in today's mishap, but at least they died doing what they loved. Well, except for the aliens on Centauri 6. They're just dead.

 

 

© Jacob Rosok and Aaron Patterson, 2016