The universe was stunned Tuesday night when third party underdog, Ham Sandwich, overcame astounding odds to become the first non-sentient president elect in galactic history.
No one was more surprised than incumbent president Quarf Schweppes, whose concession speech consisted simply of low moans through mouthfuls of half-chewed food.
Earth-alien Ted Cruz was similarly despondent, and stated that, after the loss of his second election, he planned to move to the Zodiac galaxy, which is, of course,'populated entirely by emotionless automatons
But when it was time to make it's victory speech, Ham Sandwich could not be located by staffers. After two hours of frantic searching by the secret service, the election results were thrown into further turmoil:
Quarf Schweppes had eaten President elect Ham Sandwich.
Now, with no clear victor in the galactic presidential election, the Milky Way enters a period of uncertainty. What does the future hold? The prospects are, at best, milky.
We just wanted to check in on everyone. We know it’s been a rough week for most of you, and we wanted to let you all know that we’re here for you, that life will go on, and as devastated as you feel now, this too shall pass and it’s important to stay positive.
We are, of course, referring to the space giants who have been travelling through the cosmos on asteroids demolishing every mailbox in sight.
That’s a space federal crime you damn dirty giants!
Nothing devastating or deeply unsettling has happened. Nothing at all.