For Aliens, By Aliens

A podcast about what it means to be a Hooman

Filtering by Tag: Earth

Ep. 22 - The Adventures of Beard and Sallie-Boy

Galactic News

Space Turtles are on the move again.

Every century in Earth years, the space turtles start their long migration to a neighboring galaxy, which they designate as their boning galaxy.

Then, they come back to this galaxy, where they lay hundreds of eggs which are eaten by space-gulls, space-ghost crabs, and space dingos.

Bone voyage space turtles!

On the campaign trail this week, both galactic presidential candidates headed to the home planet of challenger Ted Cruz.

The stop proved trying for both candidates. Ted Cruz quickly found that his home-field advantage was nonexistent, as many hoomans continue to be under the impression that ted Cruz is, quote, some kind of alien.

Quarf Schweppes didn't fare much better. When campaigning in the Earth city of Seattle, most hoomans assumed he was homeless, and only offered their support in the form of crumpled earth-money.

Reportedly, his agitated cries of "I'm the president of the Galaxy" and did nothing to aid his flagging campaign.

Even so, Quarf Schweppes is still polling much stronger on earth than his rival, alleged Hooman Ted Cruz.

Earth News 

Dumpster babies: fact or fiction? We may never know.

Ep. 20 - American History:
For Dummies by Dummies

Galactic News 

After a humiliating defeat on Earth, former American presidential candidate Ted Cruz has thrown his hat into the galactic political ring.

This November, he will be challenging incumbent Milky Way President Quarf Schweppes for the the top office.

In an early straw poll, Milky Way residents are excited at the prospect of Cruz entering the race, because they appreciate his robotic personality and his fugly, alien-like features.

“He’s just like us,” they say.

More on this as it develops.

Doey Zeschanel, the smoothest voice in galactic funk this side of Amicroon 8, has been brutally assassinated by the second smoothest vocalist, Kennedict Bumberbatch, further solidifying his place as the funkiest comadena in the galaxy.

But watch out Kennedict Bumberbatch, Ghoopi Woldberg might be the new funkiest galactic cat on the scene, and she might be out for your funky-ass soul.

Ya dig?

Earth News

Isn't Three Ninjas about due for a revamp? 

Ep. 8 - Arts and Farts and Crafts

Galactic News

Attention all hoomans! "Cruise Planet", Zycor's new life-long pleasure ship, has gone off course on its maiden voyage. The planet-sized vessel, which travels at about 30 lightyears/hour, has reported a small miscalculation in its navigation, and is currently on course to collide with Planet Earth. 


We advise all Earth residents to evacuate the planet within the next fifteen seconds. Good luck out there, Hoomans!

Gormza Dalon, philosopher and author of Walking Backward, Walking Forward, and Sidling Off Sideways has just won a galactic peace prize for brokering peace between the long waring planet Negonarach and its moon Tannis.

The planet and moon have been at war for over three million years. The solution is the Gormza Accord. Instead of fighting, both moon and planet will create a lottery wherein the losers will be jettisoned into the nearest of the three suns of the nearest solar system, according to which one is closest on the day of the launch.

They both agreed that, it's sort of more humane this way.

When asked how he managed such a great feet, Gormza said, "I don't know. It was just, sort of, kind of an accident, you know," Well, if we know our Gormza, he's just being modest, as usual. 

A small update on our earlier breaking news: the crew of Zycor's Cruise Planet were wrong again! Instead of colliding with earth, the massive ship hit nearby Centauri 6 instead, causing both vessel and planet to disintegrate immediately.

Apologies to Hoomans for the alarm, and our condolences to the families of the 45 billion aliens killed in today's mishap, but at least they died doing what they loved. Well, except for the aliens on Centauri 6. They're just dead.

 

 

© Jacob Rosok and Aaron Patterson, 2016