For Aliens, By Aliens

A podcast about what it means to be a Hooman

Filtering by Tag: Gormza Dalon

Ep. 15 - Vacation, Pt. 2: The Airbnb Murders

Galactic News

We’ve received a big update on Gormza Dalon this week.

The galactic peace-prize recipient and cool-cool-cool-space-dude alien has gone missing after being broken out of space-jail by a newly sentient space monkey named Caesar.

It seems that the space monkey had a whole lot of help from his space monkey friends, who Caesar has been feeding these peculiar oblong yellow space fruits.

As of yet, we have no idea where they have taken Gormza Dalon. All we know is that things are heating up on the planet Fernlinton as an all-out war has broken out between the space monkeys and the rest of the planet’s military.

Good luck out there Gormza Dalon.

Doctor Killjoy -- it's a name that used to send a shiver down the exospine of every pupa in the galaxy, but in his retirement the former galactic super villain is bringing comfort to those in need.

In his prime, the one-time arch nemesis of stellar überhero Flash Wilson brought a sudden and untimely death to millions, but with his new business Euthanetics, he's bringing his reign of terror to the average consumer.

In a recent press conference, Killjoy had this to say:

"I realized there were plenty of people out there who wanted to die -- you know, uggos, fatties, middle aged fast-food workers -- but they don't want to do it any old way. Euthanetics is all about finding those people and giving them a suicide with a little pizzazz, you know? Like, remember that time I microwaved an entire planet, and the little aliens all exploded like little pop corns? Pretty great right! That's the kind of death that customers can expect from Doctor Killjoy."

Will the galactic supervillain's business be successful? With former überhero Flash Wilson out of the game due to debilitating Alzheimer's, the possibilities for Euthanetics seem wide open!

Good luck, Doctor Killjoy.

 

Ep. 14 - Vacation, Part 1: Ninja Punch

Galactic News 

Gormza Dalon, self-help guru, galactic peace-prize recipient, and all-around-just-cool-cool-cool-dude alien, is still in jail this week after feeding a yellow oblong fruit to a space monkey named Caesar.

Apparently, on planet Fernlinton, feeding a zoo animal is strictly forbidden and comes with a death sentence.

The zoo police have been reporting odd behavior from Caesar the space monkey’s space-cage.

He seems to be standing more, gesticulating wildly, and is almost finished with the third volume of Proust. 

Continuing their recent run of medical advancements, this week, researchers in the Andromeda Galaxy announced that they have discovered the cure for ugly.

Since the announcement, immigration from the Milky Way to Andromeda has increased by 539%. 

The ugly vaccine is covered by Andromedian free health care, a concept that the Milky Way Galaxy still hasn't quite figured out. 

When reached for comment, Milky Way galactic president Quarf Schweppes said, "That's very interesting." He then pressed a button on the phone that was not the hold button and shouted "Merideth, get me a ticket to Andromeda. Now that I think about it, get me one for my wife, too."

 

Earth News

In the farthest reaches of a deep, dark, deep, deep dark, dark deep desert, the space cowboy is in a heated firefight with the gangster of love.

Maurice is on the scene and will keep us updated on new developments.

We will, of course, have to translate his patented neologisms to know what the hell he’s talking about.

Ep. 8 - Arts and Farts and Crafts

Galactic News

Attention all hoomans! "Cruise Planet", Zycor's new life-long pleasure ship, has gone off course on its maiden voyage. The planet-sized vessel, which travels at about 30 lightyears/hour, has reported a small miscalculation in its navigation, and is currently on course to collide with Planet Earth. 


We advise all Earth residents to evacuate the planet within the next fifteen seconds. Good luck out there, Hoomans!

Gormza Dalon, philosopher and author of Walking Backward, Walking Forward, and Sidling Off Sideways has just won a galactic peace prize for brokering peace between the long waring planet Negonarach and its moon Tannis.

The planet and moon have been at war for over three million years. The solution is the Gormza Accord. Instead of fighting, both moon and planet will create a lottery wherein the losers will be jettisoned into the nearest of the three suns of the nearest solar system, according to which one is closest on the day of the launch.

They both agreed that, it's sort of more humane this way.

When asked how he managed such a great feet, Gormza said, "I don't know. It was just, sort of, kind of an accident, you know," Well, if we know our Gormza, he's just being modest, as usual. 

A small update on our earlier breaking news: the crew of Zycor's Cruise Planet were wrong again! Instead of colliding with earth, the massive ship hit nearby Centauri 6 instead, causing both vessel and planet to disintegrate immediately.

Apologies to Hoomans for the alarm, and our condolences to the families of the 45 billion aliens killed in today's mishap, but at least they died doing what they loved. Well, except for the aliens on Centauri 6. They're just dead.

 

 

© Jacob Rosok and Aaron Patterson, 2016