For Aliens, By Aliens

A podcast about what it means to be a Hooman

Filtering by Tag: Jaymex Galaxy

Ep. 30 - Christmas, Part 1: Origins

Galactic News

Citizens of the Milky Way Galaxy are calling for a revote after the winner of the popular galactic vote, Ham Sandwich, was eaten by incumbent Quarf Schweppes moments before his landslide victory was announced.

Outrage has been pouring in from voters across the galaxy. Most are saying that eating a political opponent is not very presidential and are demanding that Quarf Schweppes simultaneously step down as current president and as potential presidential candidate.

And in case things sounded like they couldn’t get any more convoluted, confusing, or queefed, clear evidence has been found that the Jaymex Galaxy has rigged the MIlky Way elections to favor Quarf Schweppes all along.

This election is fucking comic book crazy, but we’ll keep you updated.

This week in galactic news, obese elf and former galactic dictator Santa Claus has released a statement from his exile on planet Earth. We bring you this statement now:

"People of the Milky Way. This earth year marks the 1,256th solar rotation since the end of the Red War, which saw my government overthrown, my family murdered, and my own exile to the arctic wasteland of planet Earth. Each December 24th, I carry out the pilgrimage prescribed by my conspirators. I travel around this tiny planet delivering meaningless trinkets to hooman pupae, then return to my exile. 

"But this year I beg of you: Please release me from this torture. Allow me to leave this godforsaken planet and return to live with my people. You have nothing to fear from me. I am, and ever shall be, your humble servant."

Our reporters have informed us that, in a desperate attempt to flee planet earth, Mr. Claus has started some kind of online crowdfunding campaign.

Don't fall for it hoomans! This ruthless warlord must not be loosed upon the Galaxy again.

Earth News

Underwear sales are bulging during the holiday season.

Ep. 19 - Wed on Arrival

Galactic News

This week in galactic news, researchers across the galaxy are reporting that science is... Done!

That's right, all facts are now known, and all questions have been answered.

With the scientific community expressing concern at re-entering a tough job market, many are now planning to travel back in time to try and solve science all over again, but even faster this time.

"I want to get the high score," said one scientist, just before leaping into a wormhole.
 

Triangles have been banned in the Rangar portion of the Jaymex galaxy.

This has been the cause of a lot of controversy and more than a little speculation as to the cumulative repercussions.

Some cosmic economic analysts have predicted that this will surely have a negative impact on Rangar's economy, and there have already been reports of triangle smugglers who are gathering up all the isosceles, acute, and even obtuse triangles they can get their dirty little hands on.

The ones who really suffer here are low income families who eat Doritos and pizza-by-the-slice. Also, everyone else, because after all, the food pyramid is a triangle.

We’ll keep you updated.

Earth News

Bats have seized control of Wisconsin.

However, the earth media, controlled of course by the man-bat elite, has failed to report the development.

It may not be the Wisconsin they need, but it is the Wisconsin they deserve.

 

Ep. 4 - (Hoo)man's Best Friend

Galactic News

Towards the back end of the Jaymex galaxy lies a small unassuming red gas planet.

The inhabitants of the surrounding solar systems report that they have never seen it before, and would like us to ask our alien listeners if anyone has misplaced their planet, and if so, would they mind retrieving it?

Apparently, it is blocking the particularly stunning view of the blue mesoplanet behind it and is, “bumming out the locals and would really be great if it, just, like, wasn’t there anymore.”

 

Earth News

An East Texas man, Harris Williams, says he was recently abducted and anally probed by a group of aliens claiming to be on a science mission from the Amicroon system.

When reached for comment, Chancellor Delorean from Amicroon 8 said, "That's totally not something we would even do. Why would he say that? He probably wishes we would anally probe him."

 

© Jacob Rosok and Aaron Patterson, 2016