For Aliens, By Aliens

A podcast about what it means to be a Hooman

Filtering by Tag: Meredith

Ep. 18 - The Best Button to Button

Galactic News

There has been an outbreak of spatially transmitted diseases near the Milky Way Galaxy.

This week has marked an all time high for implosions, spots, rings, and discharge in the region.

When reached, Milky Way Galaxy President Quarf Schweppes said, “No, there’s no way I’m at risk for that. I haven’t been engaging in any risky behavior.”

He then smiled awkwardly and refused to answer any more questions on the subject.

As our reporter was leaving, Quarf Schweppes punched the speaker button for his office and yelled, “Meredith! Get my wife on the phone. I think we both need to get checked out.”

The Spoomian refugee camps on Ragnar 7 are making headlines once again thanks to a series of protests mounted by local Ragnarians.


As you may or may not remember, the residents of Spoom were forced to flee their planet after it unexpectedly fell into its parent star. The event instantly incinerated 90% of the Spoomian population, and the only home any of the survivors had ever known.

Many remaining Spoomians made their way to the neighboring Ragnar system where their unimaginable plight was met with annoyance by local residents. 


“They’re just a real bummer,” Senator Giblet Snarf of Ragnar 4 stated. “They just sit around looking sad all the time. And I’m like, ‘you’re alive! go get a job or something.”


After a protracted political scuffle, the Spoomians were finally relegated to the uninhabited arctic wastes of Ragnar 7, where they could mourn in peace, without, quote, “killing the mood.” 
But Spoomians are feeling the heat again — so to speak — for their controversial hunting practices.


“The Ragnarian stink bug is a galactic treasure,” protester Mindal Thwaight stated. “The Spoomians have no right to disrupt the ecosystem of Ragnar 7 with their illegal hunting of these insects.”


The Ragarian Stink Bug, known across the galaxy for its unsightly appearance, ungodly screeching, and, of course, pungent odor, is the only species native to Ragnar 7, where the Spoomians are now encamped. 


When contacted for comment, one Spoomian refugee had this to say: “We must eat, and the Stink Bug is the only thing here for us. I don’t understand. If the Ragnarian government provided us with food we could stop eating these disgusting things. My clothes reek. My only living son is starving. Please, please help us.'

But Senator Giblet Snarf is unconvinced, “Nice try, Spoomians. Endanger our noble stink bug and then ask for handouts? That’s not going to fly in the Ragnar system.”


In related news, data shows that the Stink Bug population on Ragnar 7 is increasing, thanks to the fact that frozen Spoomian cadavers and excrement are an ideal habitat for stink bug larvae.

Way to hang in there, Ragnarian stink bug!

Earth News

Handlebar mustaches are out. No arguments.

Ep. 14 - Vacation, Part 1: Ninja Punch

Galactic News 

Gormza Dalon, self-help guru, galactic peace-prize recipient, and all-around-just-cool-cool-cool-dude alien, is still in jail this week after feeding a yellow oblong fruit to a space monkey named Caesar.

Apparently, on planet Fernlinton, feeding a zoo animal is strictly forbidden and comes with a death sentence.

The zoo police have been reporting odd behavior from Caesar the space monkey’s space-cage.

He seems to be standing more, gesticulating wildly, and is almost finished with the third volume of Proust. 

Continuing their recent run of medical advancements, this week, researchers in the Andromeda Galaxy announced that they have discovered the cure for ugly.

Since the announcement, immigration from the Milky Way to Andromeda has increased by 539%. 

The ugly vaccine is covered by Andromedian free health care, a concept that the Milky Way Galaxy still hasn't quite figured out. 

When reached for comment, Milky Way galactic president Quarf Schweppes said, "That's very interesting." He then pressed a button on the phone that was not the hold button and shouted "Merideth, get me a ticket to Andromeda. Now that I think about it, get me one for my wife, too."

 

Earth News

In the farthest reaches of a deep, dark, deep, deep dark, dark deep desert, the space cowboy is in a heated firefight with the gangster of love.

Maurice is on the scene and will keep us updated on new developments.

We will, of course, have to translate his patented neologisms to know what the hell he’s talking about.

© Jacob Rosok and Aaron Patterson, 2016