Citizens of the Milky Way Galaxy are calling for a revote after the winner of the popular galactic vote, Ham Sandwich, was eaten by incumbent Quarf Schweppes moments before his landslide victory was announced.
Outrage has been pouring in from voters across the galaxy. Most are saying that eating a political opponent is not very presidential and are demanding that Quarf Schweppes simultaneously step down as current president and as potential presidential candidate.
And in case things sounded like they couldn’t get any more convoluted, confusing, or queefed, clear evidence has been found that the Jaymex Galaxy has rigged the MIlky Way elections to favor Quarf Schweppes all along.
This election is fucking comic book crazy, but we’ll keep you updated.
This week in galactic news, obese elf and former galactic dictator Santa Claus has released a statement from his exile on planet Earth. We bring you this statement now:
"People of the Milky Way. This earth year marks the 1,256th solar rotation since the end of the Red War, which saw my government overthrown, my family murdered, and my own exile to the arctic wasteland of planet Earth. Each December 24th, I carry out the pilgrimage prescribed by my conspirators. I travel around this tiny planet delivering meaningless trinkets to hooman pupae, then return to my exile.
"But this year I beg of you: Please release me from this torture. Allow me to leave this godforsaken planet and return to live with my people. You have nothing to fear from me. I am, and ever shall be, your humble servant."
Our reporters have informed us that, in a desperate attempt to flee planet earth, Mr. Claus has started some kind of online crowdfunding campaign.
Don't fall for it hoomans! This ruthless warlord must not be loosed upon the Galaxy again.
Underwear sales are bulging during the holiday season.