For Aliens, By Aliens

A podcast about what it means to be a Hooman

Filtering by Tag: Milky Way Campaign

Ep. 32 - Fleshy Time-Snakes

Galactic News 

There’s been a series of space cat burglaries this week throughout the Milky Way Galaxy.

Well, it’s more like a series of cat-naps.

The perpetrators have been stealing spare cats from Earth and selling them on the black cat market.

If you’re a hooman, watch out for random beams of light surrounding your feline friends.

If you’re an alien, don’t buy spare cats.

Keep a vigilant eye on the sky. These guys are not kitten around.

It was the shrug heard round the world.

In the wake of the disastrous 2016 galactic presidential election, in which incumbent Quarf Schweppes lost the popular vote but accidentally ate his victorious challenger, Ham Sandwich, the Milky Way galactic parliament has, in an unprecedented move, voted to re-elect president Quarf Schweppes.

After the controversial vote, President-Elect Quarf Schweppes lauded the decision of the legislature, and vowed to turn over a new leaf:

“During the election last year, my stress eating was out of control, as the late Ham Sandwich knows all too well. I gained 150 pounds, and I know I’ve disappointed you all by not being the lean, mean sexy president machine that everyone used to love.” 

Our president then proceeded to tear away his suit, revealing skimpy, 80s-inspired workout clothes beneath. Slipping a sweatband over his forehead, president Schweppes announced 2017 to be the year of presidential fitness, and that he was officially declaring the Milky Way a “no fatties zone.”

He then performed a few embarrassing high-kicks before jogging away from the parliament building.

Welcome to 2017, folks. It’s gonna be a weird one. 

 

Earth News

2016 is over, which marks the first year that the population of wild tigers has increased in 100 years.

Go tigers!

Ep. 25 - Birth: The Light at the End of the Tunnel

Galactic News

Corn has made it to outer space. Monsanto, the evil American corn monopoly, has their sights set on pretty much every star in the milky way galaxy.

They have genetically engineered the seeds for a corn that will turn itself into a heavily insulated corn rocket that will shoot itself off into space upon maturation.

When the corn rocket reaches another planet, it will detach its myriad of seeds, each of which is altered slightly to optimize its ability to grow in a different sort of potentially hostile alien environment.

Scientists are saying that this could ultimately lead to a cornpocalypse of galactic proportions.

One scientist was quoted as saying, “We’ve been so worried about the singularity of artificial intelligence, we never thought to worry about corn.”

This week, we took a break from our usual election coverage to bring you closer to the voice of the voters themselves in our meet a voter campaign. 

The tight galactic presidential race between incumbent Quarf Schweppes, Earth-looney Ted Cruz, and independent challenger Ham Sandwich has left the Milky Way more divided than ever.

To foster greater understanding, let’s listen to a supporter to each candidate explain their views.

First we have Antwerp Maplethorn, a Quarf Schweppes supporter from Amicroon 5:

“I simply can’t vote for a human candidate. It’s not that I’m racist, it’s just that Ted Cruz is so… human. Wait, does that light mean you’re recording? Don’t record that.”

Next we have Fromp Queebly from Ragnar 6, who is a staunch advocate for Ted Cruz:

“Ted Cruz stands for values I can believe in. Small government. Big religion. Zero relatability. Those are the qualities I look for in a leader.”

And finally, Narb Johnson, who is casting his lot in with independent candidate ham sandwich. 

“Sure, I’d love a ham sandwich.”

This has been Meet a Voter.

Earth News

Men's cycles are syncing up. Just ask your Earth Ambassadors Jacob and Aaron. 

Ep. 23 - Stormy Weather, Since My Alien and I Ain't Together

Galactic News 

Milp, the only known sentient moon of the planet Amicroon 8 is now on strike, citing multiple lunar rights violations as the cause.

Amicroon 8 has not yet been available for response, but if something doesn’t change, they may very well lose their only moon.

Milp the moon left us with this quote: “I’m tired of all this back and forth. Even if it takes me fifty billion years, I’m not spending one more minute in this orbit.”

Milp then started moving away from Amicroon 8 at 4cm per year. 

Galactic presidential candidates Quarf Schweppes and Ted Cruz may have some new competition on the campaign trail.

Third-party candidate ham sandwich is showing a surprising surge in key battleground planets. On some, like Pontiac 5, Ham Sandwich is now polling within four percentage points of both major party nominees.

When reached for comment, Ham Sandwich said nothing at all. Because it's a literal ham sandwich.

Earth News

Netflix is poppin' off. Shows like Luke Cage and Haters Back Off. 

Come on Netflix. We all got shit to do in our own lives.

Back the fuck off...but not really. Keep 'em coming. We love you.

Ep. 22 - The Adventures of Beard and Sallie-Boy

Galactic News

Space Turtles are on the move again.

Every century in Earth years, the space turtles start their long migration to a neighboring galaxy, which they designate as their boning galaxy.

Then, they come back to this galaxy, where they lay hundreds of eggs which are eaten by space-gulls, space-ghost crabs, and space dingos.

Bone voyage space turtles!

On the campaign trail this week, both galactic presidential candidates headed to the home planet of challenger Ted Cruz.

The stop proved trying for both candidates. Ted Cruz quickly found that his home-field advantage was nonexistent, as many hoomans continue to be under the impression that ted Cruz is, quote, some kind of alien.

Quarf Schweppes didn't fare much better. When campaigning in the Earth city of Seattle, most hoomans assumed he was homeless, and only offered their support in the form of crumpled earth-money.

Reportedly, his agitated cries of "I'm the president of the Galaxy" and did nothing to aid his flagging campaign.

Even so, Quarf Schweppes is still polling much stronger on earth than his rival, alleged Hooman Ted Cruz.

Earth News 

Dumpster babies: fact or fiction? We may never know.

© Jacob Rosok and Aaron Patterson, 2016