For Aliens, By Aliens

A podcast about what it means to be a Hooman

Filtering by Tag: Milky Way President

Ep. 32 - Fleshy Time-Snakes

Galactic News 

There’s been a series of space cat burglaries this week throughout the Milky Way Galaxy.

Well, it’s more like a series of cat-naps.

The perpetrators have been stealing spare cats from Earth and selling them on the black cat market.

If you’re a hooman, watch out for random beams of light surrounding your feline friends.

If you’re an alien, don’t buy spare cats.

Keep a vigilant eye on the sky. These guys are not kitten around.

It was the shrug heard round the world.

In the wake of the disastrous 2016 galactic presidential election, in which incumbent Quarf Schweppes lost the popular vote but accidentally ate his victorious challenger, Ham Sandwich, the Milky Way galactic parliament has, in an unprecedented move, voted to re-elect president Quarf Schweppes.

After the controversial vote, President-Elect Quarf Schweppes lauded the decision of the legislature, and vowed to turn over a new leaf:

“During the election last year, my stress eating was out of control, as the late Ham Sandwich knows all too well. I gained 150 pounds, and I know I’ve disappointed you all by not being the lean, mean sexy president machine that everyone used to love.” 

Our president then proceeded to tear away his suit, revealing skimpy, 80s-inspired workout clothes beneath. Slipping a sweatband over his forehead, president Schweppes announced 2017 to be the year of presidential fitness, and that he was officially declaring the Milky Way a “no fatties zone.”

He then performed a few embarrassing high-kicks before jogging away from the parliament building.

Welcome to 2017, folks. It’s gonna be a weird one. 

 

Earth News

2016 is over, which marks the first year that the population of wild tigers has increased in 100 years.

Go tigers!

Ep. 26 - Did Someone Take a Trump in Here?

Galactic News

The universe was stunned Tuesday night when third party underdog, Ham Sandwich, overcame astounding odds to become the first non-sentient president elect in galactic history.

No one was more surprised than incumbent president Quarf Schweppes, whose concession speech consisted simply of low moans through mouthfuls of half-chewed food. 

Earth-alien Ted Cruz was similarly despondent, and stated that, after the loss of his second election, he planned to move to the Zodiac galaxy, which is, of course,'populated entirely by emotionless automatons

But when it was time to make it's victory speech, Ham Sandwich could not be located by staffers. After two hours of frantic searching by the secret service, the election results were thrown into further turmoil:

Quarf Schweppes had eaten President elect Ham Sandwich.

Now, with no clear victor in the galactic presidential election, the Milky Way enters a period of uncertainty. What does the future hold? The prospects are, at best, milky.

We just wanted to check in on everyone. We know it’s been a rough week for most of you, and we wanted to let you all know that we’re here for you, that life will go on, and as devastated as you feel now, this too shall pass and it’s important to stay positive.

We are, of course, referring to the space giants who have been travelling through the cosmos on asteroids demolishing every mailbox in sight.

That’s a space federal crime you damn dirty giants! 

Earth News

Nothing devastating or deeply unsettling has happened. Nothing at all.

Ep. 24 - Ghost Aliens from the Future

Galactic News

Scientists on planet Langlorn have found the cure for N.A.R.B.s.

For all you ignoramoose, is a situational disorder known only to the male of the species, or more commonly known as, a no apparent reason boner.

Jacob and Aaron just wish those scientists lived a bit closer to Earth.

Incumbent galactic president Quarf Schweppes has signed a new executive order that would completely outlaw voting.

The order comes on the heels of new polling numbers showing that president schweppes is falling farther behind earth-looney Ted Cruz and third party candidate ham sandwich.

The order is, of course, complete nonsense, and has no power whatsoever.

When reached for comment, Quarf Schweppes, cleared this throat like he was going to say something then just started softly weeping into the phone receiver. This went on for about five minutes before his campaign manager finally hung up the phone.

Earth News

Aaron might have heard someone get murdered in the apartment above his, but maybe he was dreaming. It's hard to tell. Even he is not sure. 

Happy Halloween!

Ep. 23 - Stormy Weather, Since My Alien and I Ain't Together

Galactic News 

Milp, the only known sentient moon of the planet Amicroon 8 is now on strike, citing multiple lunar rights violations as the cause.

Amicroon 8 has not yet been available for response, but if something doesn’t change, they may very well lose their only moon.

Milp the moon left us with this quote: “I’m tired of all this back and forth. Even if it takes me fifty billion years, I’m not spending one more minute in this orbit.”

Milp then started moving away from Amicroon 8 at 4cm per year. 

Galactic presidential candidates Quarf Schweppes and Ted Cruz may have some new competition on the campaign trail.

Third-party candidate ham sandwich is showing a surprising surge in key battleground planets. On some, like Pontiac 5, Ham Sandwich is now polling within four percentage points of both major party nominees.

When reached for comment, Ham Sandwich said nothing at all. Because it's a literal ham sandwich.

Earth News

Netflix is poppin' off. Shows like Luke Cage and Haters Back Off. 

Come on Netflix. We all got shit to do in our own lives.

Back the fuck off...but not really. Keep 'em coming. We love you.

Ep. 22 - The Adventures of Beard and Sallie-Boy

Galactic News

Space Turtles are on the move again.

Every century in Earth years, the space turtles start their long migration to a neighboring galaxy, which they designate as their boning galaxy.

Then, they come back to this galaxy, where they lay hundreds of eggs which are eaten by space-gulls, space-ghost crabs, and space dingos.

Bone voyage space turtles!

On the campaign trail this week, both galactic presidential candidates headed to the home planet of challenger Ted Cruz.

The stop proved trying for both candidates. Ted Cruz quickly found that his home-field advantage was nonexistent, as many hoomans continue to be under the impression that ted Cruz is, quote, some kind of alien.

Quarf Schweppes didn't fare much better. When campaigning in the Earth city of Seattle, most hoomans assumed he was homeless, and only offered their support in the form of crumpled earth-money.

Reportedly, his agitated cries of "I'm the president of the Galaxy" and did nothing to aid his flagging campaign.

Even so, Quarf Schweppes is still polling much stronger on earth than his rival, alleged Hooman Ted Cruz.

Earth News 

Dumpster babies: fact or fiction? We may never know.

Ep. 21 - Have One on Us!

Galactic News

Sex-toy manufacturer, Pluggz, has issued a galaxy-wide recall for their popular Punisher line.

They get stuck folks!

After the devastating galactic presidential debate this last space-Monday against Ted Cruz, Quarf Schweppes has given a barrage of excuses for his  performance.

There was a bad space-microphone which only he seemed to notice. He didn’t want to call it a conspiracy, but he was sure that Space-Fox News would agree.

Also, he complained that he got all the hard questions, and the moderator was a total grumpapotamus for asking him questions about topics he didn’t completely understand or even want to talk about.

Meanwhile, viewers liked how confident his lies sounded and were really all-around impressed with how many times he interrupted the other candidate. 

Earth News

Mercury is in retrograde, but no one knows what that means, or cares. 

Go home Mercury

Ep. 20 - American History:
For Dummies by Dummies

Galactic News 

After a humiliating defeat on Earth, former American presidential candidate Ted Cruz has thrown his hat into the galactic political ring.

This November, he will be challenging incumbent Milky Way President Quarf Schweppes for the the top office.

In an early straw poll, Milky Way residents are excited at the prospect of Cruz entering the race, because they appreciate his robotic personality and his fugly, alien-like features.

“He’s just like us,” they say.

More on this as it develops.

Doey Zeschanel, the smoothest voice in galactic funk this side of Amicroon 8, has been brutally assassinated by the second smoothest vocalist, Kennedict Bumberbatch, further solidifying his place as the funkiest comadena in the galaxy.

But watch out Kennedict Bumberbatch, Ghoopi Woldberg might be the new funkiest galactic cat on the scene, and she might be out for your funky-ass soul.

Ya dig?

Earth News

Isn't Three Ninjas about due for a revamp? 

Ep. 18 - The Best Button to Button

Galactic News

There has been an outbreak of spatially transmitted diseases near the Milky Way Galaxy.

This week has marked an all time high for implosions, spots, rings, and discharge in the region.

When reached, Milky Way Galaxy President Quarf Schweppes said, “No, there’s no way I’m at risk for that. I haven’t been engaging in any risky behavior.”

He then smiled awkwardly and refused to answer any more questions on the subject.

As our reporter was leaving, Quarf Schweppes punched the speaker button for his office and yelled, “Meredith! Get my wife on the phone. I think we both need to get checked out.”

The Spoomian refugee camps on Ragnar 7 are making headlines once again thanks to a series of protests mounted by local Ragnarians.


As you may or may not remember, the residents of Spoom were forced to flee their planet after it unexpectedly fell into its parent star. The event instantly incinerated 90% of the Spoomian population, and the only home any of the survivors had ever known.

Many remaining Spoomians made their way to the neighboring Ragnar system where their unimaginable plight was met with annoyance by local residents. 


“They’re just a real bummer,” Senator Giblet Snarf of Ragnar 4 stated. “They just sit around looking sad all the time. And I’m like, ‘you’re alive! go get a job or something.”


After a protracted political scuffle, the Spoomians were finally relegated to the uninhabited arctic wastes of Ragnar 7, where they could mourn in peace, without, quote, “killing the mood.” 
But Spoomians are feeling the heat again — so to speak — for their controversial hunting practices.


“The Ragnarian stink bug is a galactic treasure,” protester Mindal Thwaight stated. “The Spoomians have no right to disrupt the ecosystem of Ragnar 7 with their illegal hunting of these insects.”


The Ragarian Stink Bug, known across the galaxy for its unsightly appearance, ungodly screeching, and, of course, pungent odor, is the only species native to Ragnar 7, where the Spoomians are now encamped. 


When contacted for comment, one Spoomian refugee had this to say: “We must eat, and the Stink Bug is the only thing here for us. I don’t understand. If the Ragnarian government provided us with food we could stop eating these disgusting things. My clothes reek. My only living son is starving. Please, please help us.'

But Senator Giblet Snarf is unconvinced, “Nice try, Spoomians. Endanger our noble stink bug and then ask for handouts? That’s not going to fly in the Ragnar system.”


In related news, data shows that the Stink Bug population on Ragnar 7 is increasing, thanks to the fact that frozen Spoomian cadavers and excrement are an ideal habitat for stink bug larvae.

Way to hang in there, Ragnarian stink bug!

Earth News

Handlebar mustaches are out. No arguments.

Ep. 14 - Vacation, Part 1: Ninja Punch

Galactic News 

Gormza Dalon, self-help guru, galactic peace-prize recipient, and all-around-just-cool-cool-cool-dude alien, is still in jail this week after feeding a yellow oblong fruit to a space monkey named Caesar.

Apparently, on planet Fernlinton, feeding a zoo animal is strictly forbidden and comes with a death sentence.

The zoo police have been reporting odd behavior from Caesar the space monkey’s space-cage.

He seems to be standing more, gesticulating wildly, and is almost finished with the third volume of Proust. 

Continuing their recent run of medical advancements, this week, researchers in the Andromeda Galaxy announced that they have discovered the cure for ugly.

Since the announcement, immigration from the Milky Way to Andromeda has increased by 539%. 

The ugly vaccine is covered by Andromedian free health care, a concept that the Milky Way Galaxy still hasn't quite figured out. 

When reached for comment, Milky Way galactic president Quarf Schweppes said, "That's very interesting." He then pressed a button on the phone that was not the hold button and shouted "Merideth, get me a ticket to Andromeda. Now that I think about it, get me one for my wife, too."

 

Earth News

In the farthest reaches of a deep, dark, deep, deep dark, dark deep desert, the space cowboy is in a heated firefight with the gangster of love.

Maurice is on the scene and will keep us updated on new developments.

We will, of course, have to translate his patented neologisms to know what the hell he’s talking about.

Ep. 11 - Space Food

Galactic News

George Lucas has finally returned to Earth after his 20-year intergalactic litigation process wherein he was sued over the likeness of his characters the “ewoks” from The Return of the Jedi for violating the Waku aliens right to publicity, or likeness copyright infringement.

While away in space court, Lucas was issued a stand in clone that looked and acted like him. This included the making of a prequel trilogy to his original Star Wars trilogy and the selling of Lucasfilm to Disney.

After returning to find his legacy in shambles, George Lucas has been despondent and will not leave skywalker ranch.

And just across the void, Andromeda’s galactic prime minister is pleased to announce the complete eradication of stupidity from the Andromedian population.

This marks the culmination of an aggressive vaccination campaign by the galactic health officials in the last decade.

“This is a landmark day in Andromedian history,” the prime minister said, “and we hope to see our neighboring galaxies take similar measures in the coming years.”


Meanwhile, Milky President Quarf Schweppes could not be reached for comment, as he was not able to figure out how to use the telephone.

Earth News

Things are bad, real bad. So, you know, hang in there. 

Ep. 9 - Un-Naked

Galactic News

Animals all across the Sombrero Galaxy were outraged today when the galaxy’s comptroller Nuinn Niunn ate a live (for our purposes) dog on live (for our purposes) television.

He kept looking around saying, “What’s the big deal?”

Nuinn Niunn is scheduled for a press conference, then a hearing, and then an execution by dog.

You know what they say, “Live by the dogs, die by the dogs.”

 This week, Milky Way President Quarf Schweppes made an impromptu visit to Centauri 6. A long-time fan of Centauri-style goat-pube sandwiches, the president reportedly just had to swing by for a bite.

The visit, which shut down interplanetary highways for several hours, led to long delays for local commuters.

Centauri resident Boofer Ferguson had this to say:

“I didn’t vote for Quarf Schwepps. He’s infringing on my rights to free… speech, or something. Next thing you know he’s going to be taking all of my molecular disintegration modules away. It’s like, where does it stop, you know?”

Earth News

Great Britain succeeded from the European Union like a(n) (insert the word champ or ass-machine). 

© Jacob Rosok and Aaron Patterson, 2016