Corn has made it to outer space. Monsanto, the evil American corn monopoly, has their sights set on pretty much every star in the milky way galaxy.
They have genetically engineered the seeds for a corn that will turn itself into a heavily insulated corn rocket that will shoot itself off into space upon maturation.
When the corn rocket reaches another planet, it will detach its myriad of seeds, each of which is altered slightly to optimize its ability to grow in a different sort of potentially hostile alien environment.
Scientists are saying that this could ultimately lead to a cornpocalypse of galactic proportions.
One scientist was quoted as saying, “We’ve been so worried about the singularity of artificial intelligence, we never thought to worry about corn.”
This week, we took a break from our usual election coverage to bring you closer to the voice of the voters themselves in our meet a voter campaign.
The tight galactic presidential race between incumbent Quarf Schweppes, Earth-looney Ted Cruz, and independent challenger Ham Sandwich has left the Milky Way more divided than ever.
To foster greater understanding, let’s listen to a supporter to each candidate explain their views.
First we have Antwerp Maplethorn, a Quarf Schweppes supporter from Amicroon 5:
“I simply can’t vote for a human candidate. It’s not that I’m racist, it’s just that Ted Cruz is so… human. Wait, does that light mean you’re recording? Don’t record that.”
Next we have Fromp Queebly from Ragnar 6, who is a staunch advocate for Ted Cruz:
“Ted Cruz stands for values I can believe in. Small government. Big religion. Zero relatability. Those are the qualities I look for in a leader.”
And finally, Narb Johnson, who is casting his lot in with independent candidate ham sandwich.
“Sure, I’d love a ham sandwich.”
This has been Meet a Voter.
Men's cycles are syncing up. Just ask your Earth Ambassadors Jacob and Aaron.