For Aliens, By Aliens

A podcast about what it means to be a Hooman

Filtering by Tag: Quarf Schweppes

Ep. 32 - Fleshy Time-Snakes

Galactic News 

There’s been a series of space cat burglaries this week throughout the Milky Way Galaxy.

Well, it’s more like a series of cat-naps.

The perpetrators have been stealing spare cats from Earth and selling them on the black cat market.

If you’re a hooman, watch out for random beams of light surrounding your feline friends.

If you’re an alien, don’t buy spare cats.

Keep a vigilant eye on the sky. These guys are not kitten around.

It was the shrug heard round the world.

In the wake of the disastrous 2016 galactic presidential election, in which incumbent Quarf Schweppes lost the popular vote but accidentally ate his victorious challenger, Ham Sandwich, the Milky Way galactic parliament has, in an unprecedented move, voted to re-elect president Quarf Schweppes.

After the controversial vote, President-Elect Quarf Schweppes lauded the decision of the legislature, and vowed to turn over a new leaf:

“During the election last year, my stress eating was out of control, as the late Ham Sandwich knows all too well. I gained 150 pounds, and I know I’ve disappointed you all by not being the lean, mean sexy president machine that everyone used to love.” 

Our president then proceeded to tear away his suit, revealing skimpy, 80s-inspired workout clothes beneath. Slipping a sweatband over his forehead, president Schweppes announced 2017 to be the year of presidential fitness, and that he was officially declaring the Milky Way a “no fatties zone.”

He then performed a few embarrassing high-kicks before jogging away from the parliament building.

Welcome to 2017, folks. It’s gonna be a weird one. 

 

Earth News

2016 is over, which marks the first year that the population of wild tigers has increased in 100 years.

Go tigers!

Ep. 30 - Christmas, Part 1: Origins

Galactic News

Citizens of the Milky Way Galaxy are calling for a revote after the winner of the popular galactic vote, Ham Sandwich, was eaten by incumbent Quarf Schweppes moments before his landslide victory was announced.

Outrage has been pouring in from voters across the galaxy. Most are saying that eating a political opponent is not very presidential and are demanding that Quarf Schweppes simultaneously step down as current president and as potential presidential candidate.

And in case things sounded like they couldn’t get any more convoluted, confusing, or queefed, clear evidence has been found that the Jaymex Galaxy has rigged the MIlky Way elections to favor Quarf Schweppes all along.

This election is fucking comic book crazy, but we’ll keep you updated.

This week in galactic news, obese elf and former galactic dictator Santa Claus has released a statement from his exile on planet Earth. We bring you this statement now:

"People of the Milky Way. This earth year marks the 1,256th solar rotation since the end of the Red War, which saw my government overthrown, my family murdered, and my own exile to the arctic wasteland of planet Earth. Each December 24th, I carry out the pilgrimage prescribed by my conspirators. I travel around this tiny planet delivering meaningless trinkets to hooman pupae, then return to my exile. 

"But this year I beg of you: Please release me from this torture. Allow me to leave this godforsaken planet and return to live with my people. You have nothing to fear from me. I am, and ever shall be, your humble servant."

Our reporters have informed us that, in a desperate attempt to flee planet earth, Mr. Claus has started some kind of online crowdfunding campaign.

Don't fall for it hoomans! This ruthless warlord must not be loosed upon the Galaxy again.

Earth News

Underwear sales are bulging during the holiday season.

Ep. 26 - Did Someone Take a Trump in Here?

Galactic News

The universe was stunned Tuesday night when third party underdog, Ham Sandwich, overcame astounding odds to become the first non-sentient president elect in galactic history.

No one was more surprised than incumbent president Quarf Schweppes, whose concession speech consisted simply of low moans through mouthfuls of half-chewed food. 

Earth-alien Ted Cruz was similarly despondent, and stated that, after the loss of his second election, he planned to move to the Zodiac galaxy, which is, of course,'populated entirely by emotionless automatons

But when it was time to make it's victory speech, Ham Sandwich could not be located by staffers. After two hours of frantic searching by the secret service, the election results were thrown into further turmoil:

Quarf Schweppes had eaten President elect Ham Sandwich.

Now, with no clear victor in the galactic presidential election, the Milky Way enters a period of uncertainty. What does the future hold? The prospects are, at best, milky.

We just wanted to check in on everyone. We know it’s been a rough week for most of you, and we wanted to let you all know that we’re here for you, that life will go on, and as devastated as you feel now, this too shall pass and it’s important to stay positive.

We are, of course, referring to the space giants who have been travelling through the cosmos on asteroids demolishing every mailbox in sight.

That’s a space federal crime you damn dirty giants! 

Earth News

Nothing devastating or deeply unsettling has happened. Nothing at all.

Ep. 25 - Birth: The Light at the End of the Tunnel

Galactic News

Corn has made it to outer space. Monsanto, the evil American corn monopoly, has their sights set on pretty much every star in the milky way galaxy.

They have genetically engineered the seeds for a corn that will turn itself into a heavily insulated corn rocket that will shoot itself off into space upon maturation.

When the corn rocket reaches another planet, it will detach its myriad of seeds, each of which is altered slightly to optimize its ability to grow in a different sort of potentially hostile alien environment.

Scientists are saying that this could ultimately lead to a cornpocalypse of galactic proportions.

One scientist was quoted as saying, “We’ve been so worried about the singularity of artificial intelligence, we never thought to worry about corn.”

This week, we took a break from our usual election coverage to bring you closer to the voice of the voters themselves in our meet a voter campaign. 

The tight galactic presidential race between incumbent Quarf Schweppes, Earth-looney Ted Cruz, and independent challenger Ham Sandwich has left the Milky Way more divided than ever.

To foster greater understanding, let’s listen to a supporter to each candidate explain their views.

First we have Antwerp Maplethorn, a Quarf Schweppes supporter from Amicroon 5:

“I simply can’t vote for a human candidate. It’s not that I’m racist, it’s just that Ted Cruz is so… human. Wait, does that light mean you’re recording? Don’t record that.”

Next we have Fromp Queebly from Ragnar 6, who is a staunch advocate for Ted Cruz:

“Ted Cruz stands for values I can believe in. Small government. Big religion. Zero relatability. Those are the qualities I look for in a leader.”

And finally, Narb Johnson, who is casting his lot in with independent candidate ham sandwich. 

“Sure, I’d love a ham sandwich.”

This has been Meet a Voter.

Earth News

Men's cycles are syncing up. Just ask your Earth Ambassadors Jacob and Aaron. 

Ep. 24 - Ghost Aliens from the Future

Galactic News

Scientists on planet Langlorn have found the cure for N.A.R.B.s.

For all you ignoramoose, is a situational disorder known only to the male of the species, or more commonly known as, a no apparent reason boner.

Jacob and Aaron just wish those scientists lived a bit closer to Earth.

Incumbent galactic president Quarf Schweppes has signed a new executive order that would completely outlaw voting.

The order comes on the heels of new polling numbers showing that president schweppes is falling farther behind earth-looney Ted Cruz and third party candidate ham sandwich.

The order is, of course, complete nonsense, and has no power whatsoever.

When reached for comment, Quarf Schweppes, cleared this throat like he was going to say something then just started softly weeping into the phone receiver. This went on for about five minutes before his campaign manager finally hung up the phone.

Earth News

Aaron might have heard someone get murdered in the apartment above his, but maybe he was dreaming. It's hard to tell. Even he is not sure. 

Happy Halloween!

Ep. 23 - Stormy Weather, Since My Alien and I Ain't Together

Galactic News 

Milp, the only known sentient moon of the planet Amicroon 8 is now on strike, citing multiple lunar rights violations as the cause.

Amicroon 8 has not yet been available for response, but if something doesn’t change, they may very well lose their only moon.

Milp the moon left us with this quote: “I’m tired of all this back and forth. Even if it takes me fifty billion years, I’m not spending one more minute in this orbit.”

Milp then started moving away from Amicroon 8 at 4cm per year. 

Galactic presidential candidates Quarf Schweppes and Ted Cruz may have some new competition on the campaign trail.

Third-party candidate ham sandwich is showing a surprising surge in key battleground planets. On some, like Pontiac 5, Ham Sandwich is now polling within four percentage points of both major party nominees.

When reached for comment, Ham Sandwich said nothing at all. Because it's a literal ham sandwich.

Earth News

Netflix is poppin' off. Shows like Luke Cage and Haters Back Off. 

Come on Netflix. We all got shit to do in our own lives.

Back the fuck off...but not really. Keep 'em coming. We love you.

Ep. 22 - The Adventures of Beard and Sallie-Boy

Galactic News

Space Turtles are on the move again.

Every century in Earth years, the space turtles start their long migration to a neighboring galaxy, which they designate as their boning galaxy.

Then, they come back to this galaxy, where they lay hundreds of eggs which are eaten by space-gulls, space-ghost crabs, and space dingos.

Bone voyage space turtles!

On the campaign trail this week, both galactic presidential candidates headed to the home planet of challenger Ted Cruz.

The stop proved trying for both candidates. Ted Cruz quickly found that his home-field advantage was nonexistent, as many hoomans continue to be under the impression that ted Cruz is, quote, some kind of alien.

Quarf Schweppes didn't fare much better. When campaigning in the Earth city of Seattle, most hoomans assumed he was homeless, and only offered their support in the form of crumpled earth-money.

Reportedly, his agitated cries of "I'm the president of the Galaxy" and did nothing to aid his flagging campaign.

Even so, Quarf Schweppes is still polling much stronger on earth than his rival, alleged Hooman Ted Cruz.

Earth News 

Dumpster babies: fact or fiction? We may never know.

Ep. 21 - Have One on Us!

Galactic News

Sex-toy manufacturer, Pluggz, has issued a galaxy-wide recall for their popular Punisher line.

They get stuck folks!

After the devastating galactic presidential debate this last space-Monday against Ted Cruz, Quarf Schweppes has given a barrage of excuses for his  performance.

There was a bad space-microphone which only he seemed to notice. He didn’t want to call it a conspiracy, but he was sure that Space-Fox News would agree.

Also, he complained that he got all the hard questions, and the moderator was a total grumpapotamus for asking him questions about topics he didn’t completely understand or even want to talk about.

Meanwhile, viewers liked how confident his lies sounded and were really all-around impressed with how many times he interrupted the other candidate. 

Earth News

Mercury is in retrograde, but no one knows what that means, or cares. 

Go home Mercury

Ep. 14 - Vacation, Part 1: Ninja Punch

Galactic News 

Gormza Dalon, self-help guru, galactic peace-prize recipient, and all-around-just-cool-cool-cool-dude alien, is still in jail this week after feeding a yellow oblong fruit to a space monkey named Caesar.

Apparently, on planet Fernlinton, feeding a zoo animal is strictly forbidden and comes with a death sentence.

The zoo police have been reporting odd behavior from Caesar the space monkey’s space-cage.

He seems to be standing more, gesticulating wildly, and is almost finished with the third volume of Proust. 

Continuing their recent run of medical advancements, this week, researchers in the Andromeda Galaxy announced that they have discovered the cure for ugly.

Since the announcement, immigration from the Milky Way to Andromeda has increased by 539%. 

The ugly vaccine is covered by Andromedian free health care, a concept that the Milky Way Galaxy still hasn't quite figured out. 

When reached for comment, Milky Way galactic president Quarf Schweppes said, "That's very interesting." He then pressed a button on the phone that was not the hold button and shouted "Merideth, get me a ticket to Andromeda. Now that I think about it, get me one for my wife, too."

 

Earth News

In the farthest reaches of a deep, dark, deep, deep dark, dark deep desert, the space cowboy is in a heated firefight with the gangster of love.

Maurice is on the scene and will keep us updated on new developments.

We will, of course, have to translate his patented neologisms to know what the hell he’s talking about.

Ep. 11 - Space Food

Galactic News

George Lucas has finally returned to Earth after his 20-year intergalactic litigation process wherein he was sued over the likeness of his characters the “ewoks” from The Return of the Jedi for violating the Waku aliens right to publicity, or likeness copyright infringement.

While away in space court, Lucas was issued a stand in clone that looked and acted like him. This included the making of a prequel trilogy to his original Star Wars trilogy and the selling of Lucasfilm to Disney.

After returning to find his legacy in shambles, George Lucas has been despondent and will not leave skywalker ranch.

And just across the void, Andromeda’s galactic prime minister is pleased to announce the complete eradication of stupidity from the Andromedian population.

This marks the culmination of an aggressive vaccination campaign by the galactic health officials in the last decade.

“This is a landmark day in Andromedian history,” the prime minister said, “and we hope to see our neighboring galaxies take similar measures in the coming years.”


Meanwhile, Milky President Quarf Schweppes could not be reached for comment, as he was not able to figure out how to use the telephone.

Earth News

Things are bad, real bad. So, you know, hang in there. 

Ep. 9 - Un-Naked

Galactic News

Animals all across the Sombrero Galaxy were outraged today when the galaxy’s comptroller Nuinn Niunn ate a live (for our purposes) dog on live (for our purposes) television.

He kept looking around saying, “What’s the big deal?”

Nuinn Niunn is scheduled for a press conference, then a hearing, and then an execution by dog.

You know what they say, “Live by the dogs, die by the dogs.”

 This week, Milky Way President Quarf Schweppes made an impromptu visit to Centauri 6. A long-time fan of Centauri-style goat-pube sandwiches, the president reportedly just had to swing by for a bite.

The visit, which shut down interplanetary highways for several hours, led to long delays for local commuters.

Centauri resident Boofer Ferguson had this to say:

“I didn’t vote for Quarf Schwepps. He’s infringing on my rights to free… speech, or something. Next thing you know he’s going to be taking all of my molecular disintegration modules away. It’s like, where does it stop, you know?”

Earth News

Great Britain succeeded from the European Union like a(n) (insert the word champ or ass-machine). 

© Jacob Rosok and Aaron Patterson, 2016