For Aliens, By Aliens

A podcast about what it means to be a Hooman

Filtering by Tag: Quarf Schwepps

Ep. 20 - American History:
For Dummies by Dummies

Galactic News 

After a humiliating defeat on Earth, former American presidential candidate Ted Cruz has thrown his hat into the galactic political ring.

This November, he will be challenging incumbent Milky Way President Quarf Schweppes for the the top office.

In an early straw poll, Milky Way residents are excited at the prospect of Cruz entering the race, because they appreciate his robotic personality and his fugly, alien-like features.

“He’s just like us,” they say.

More on this as it develops.

Doey Zeschanel, the smoothest voice in galactic funk this side of Amicroon 8, has been brutally assassinated by the second smoothest vocalist, Kennedict Bumberbatch, further solidifying his place as the funkiest comadena in the galaxy.

But watch out Kennedict Bumberbatch, Ghoopi Woldberg might be the new funkiest galactic cat on the scene, and she might be out for your funky-ass soul.

Ya dig?

Earth News

Isn't Three Ninjas about due for a revamp? 

Ep. 18 - The Best Button to Button

Galactic News

There has been an outbreak of spatially transmitted diseases near the Milky Way Galaxy.

This week has marked an all time high for implosions, spots, rings, and discharge in the region.

When reached, Milky Way Galaxy President Quarf Schweppes said, “No, there’s no way I’m at risk for that. I haven’t been engaging in any risky behavior.”

He then smiled awkwardly and refused to answer any more questions on the subject.

As our reporter was leaving, Quarf Schweppes punched the speaker button for his office and yelled, “Meredith! Get my wife on the phone. I think we both need to get checked out.”

The Spoomian refugee camps on Ragnar 7 are making headlines once again thanks to a series of protests mounted by local Ragnarians.


As you may or may not remember, the residents of Spoom were forced to flee their planet after it unexpectedly fell into its parent star. The event instantly incinerated 90% of the Spoomian population, and the only home any of the survivors had ever known.

Many remaining Spoomians made their way to the neighboring Ragnar system where their unimaginable plight was met with annoyance by local residents. 


“They’re just a real bummer,” Senator Giblet Snarf of Ragnar 4 stated. “They just sit around looking sad all the time. And I’m like, ‘you’re alive! go get a job or something.”


After a protracted political scuffle, the Spoomians were finally relegated to the uninhabited arctic wastes of Ragnar 7, where they could mourn in peace, without, quote, “killing the mood.” 
But Spoomians are feeling the heat again — so to speak — for their controversial hunting practices.


“The Ragnarian stink bug is a galactic treasure,” protester Mindal Thwaight stated. “The Spoomians have no right to disrupt the ecosystem of Ragnar 7 with their illegal hunting of these insects.”


The Ragarian Stink Bug, known across the galaxy for its unsightly appearance, ungodly screeching, and, of course, pungent odor, is the only species native to Ragnar 7, where the Spoomians are now encamped. 


When contacted for comment, one Spoomian refugee had this to say: “We must eat, and the Stink Bug is the only thing here for us. I don’t understand. If the Ragnarian government provided us with food we could stop eating these disgusting things. My clothes reek. My only living son is starving. Please, please help us.'

But Senator Giblet Snarf is unconvinced, “Nice try, Spoomians. Endanger our noble stink bug and then ask for handouts? That’s not going to fly in the Ragnar system.”


In related news, data shows that the Stink Bug population on Ragnar 7 is increasing, thanks to the fact that frozen Spoomian cadavers and excrement are an ideal habitat for stink bug larvae.

Way to hang in there, Ragnarian stink bug!

Earth News

Handlebar mustaches are out. No arguments.

© Jacob Rosok and Aaron Patterson, 2016