For Aliens, By Aliens

A podcast about what it means to be a Hooman

Filtering by Tag: Sombrero Galaxy

Ep. 28 - Happy Tube - Stink!

Galactic News 

A new hip bar has opened up in the Sombrero Galaxy run by some ancient cephalopods. All their cocktails are made from fresh homemade gluten-free ink.

They’ve got black ink cocktails, like the Ichor of Death and The Deep Hole of Silence, and blue ink cocktails, like the Tentacle Pour and the Mountains of Madness which turns blue when it’s cold. They even have mixed ink cocktails like the Shadows of InnYourMouth and the PBandJellyfish.

They’ve been generating a lot of galactic buzz.

So, if you’re ever in the Sombrero Galaxy, you should check out the Cthulhu Lounge...or else.

This week in galactic news, retailers around the Milky Way geared up for the holiday season. However, with no less than 1,465,389 distinct holidays to celebrate, some retailers weren't sure how to appeal to an increasingly galacticized customer base

One entrepreneur thinks he has the answer. Lorellian businessman Hap Shemath has written a visual algorithm to automatically recombine aspects from each of the 1,465,389 holiday traditions into a single chimera of good cheer. 

"No one is left out, so no one can be offended." He states. 

Not everyone is so quickly convinced, however. The seething yule beast of Shemath's creation is reported to be so terrifying that many are calling it "the visual brown note", and parents are reporting an increase in night screams and gushing nosebleeds from children who have witnessed the jolly holiday mascot.

Backlash against the holiday creature has been swift and decisive. In an incredible show of galactic unity, aliens of all creeds have demanded a Galaxy-wide ban of the beast, and some groups are even calling for a day of celebration to commemorate its downfall.

This, of course, would increase the number of galactic holidays to 1,456,390.

Earth News

Fidel Castro, cat enthusiast and pokémon gym leader has died. 

His last words were, "I think I caught 'em all."

Ep. 9 - Un-Naked

Galactic News

Animals all across the Sombrero Galaxy were outraged today when the galaxy’s comptroller Nuinn Niunn ate a live (for our purposes) dog on live (for our purposes) television.

He kept looking around saying, “What’s the big deal?”

Nuinn Niunn is scheduled for a press conference, then a hearing, and then an execution by dog.

You know what they say, “Live by the dogs, die by the dogs.”

 This week, Milky Way President Quarf Schweppes made an impromptu visit to Centauri 6. A long-time fan of Centauri-style goat-pube sandwiches, the president reportedly just had to swing by for a bite.

The visit, which shut down interplanetary highways for several hours, led to long delays for local commuters.

Centauri resident Boofer Ferguson had this to say:

“I didn’t vote for Quarf Schwepps. He’s infringing on my rights to free… speech, or something. Next thing you know he’s going to be taking all of my molecular disintegration modules away. It’s like, where does it stop, you know?”

Earth News

Great Britain succeeded from the European Union like a(n) (insert the word champ or ass-machine). 

© Jacob Rosok and Aaron Patterson, 2016