For Aliens, By Aliens

A podcast about what it means to be a Hooman

Filtering by Tag: Ted Cruz

Ep. 26 - Did Someone Take a Trump in Here?

Galactic News

The universe was stunned Tuesday night when third party underdog, Ham Sandwich, overcame astounding odds to become the first non-sentient president elect in galactic history.

No one was more surprised than incumbent president Quarf Schweppes, whose concession speech consisted simply of low moans through mouthfuls of half-chewed food. 

Earth-alien Ted Cruz was similarly despondent, and stated that, after the loss of his second election, he planned to move to the Zodiac galaxy, which is, of course,'populated entirely by emotionless automatons

But when it was time to make it's victory speech, Ham Sandwich could not be located by staffers. After two hours of frantic searching by the secret service, the election results were thrown into further turmoil:

Quarf Schweppes had eaten President elect Ham Sandwich.

Now, with no clear victor in the galactic presidential election, the Milky Way enters a period of uncertainty. What does the future hold? The prospects are, at best, milky.

We just wanted to check in on everyone. We know it’s been a rough week for most of you, and we wanted to let you all know that we’re here for you, that life will go on, and as devastated as you feel now, this too shall pass and it’s important to stay positive.

We are, of course, referring to the space giants who have been travelling through the cosmos on asteroids demolishing every mailbox in sight.

That’s a space federal crime you damn dirty giants! 

Earth News

Nothing devastating or deeply unsettling has happened. Nothing at all.

Ep. 25 - Birth: The Light at the End of the Tunnel

Galactic News

Corn has made it to outer space. Monsanto, the evil American corn monopoly, has their sights set on pretty much every star in the milky way galaxy.

They have genetically engineered the seeds for a corn that will turn itself into a heavily insulated corn rocket that will shoot itself off into space upon maturation.

When the corn rocket reaches another planet, it will detach its myriad of seeds, each of which is altered slightly to optimize its ability to grow in a different sort of potentially hostile alien environment.

Scientists are saying that this could ultimately lead to a cornpocalypse of galactic proportions.

One scientist was quoted as saying, “We’ve been so worried about the singularity of artificial intelligence, we never thought to worry about corn.”

This week, we took a break from our usual election coverage to bring you closer to the voice of the voters themselves in our meet a voter campaign. 

The tight galactic presidential race between incumbent Quarf Schweppes, Earth-looney Ted Cruz, and independent challenger Ham Sandwich has left the Milky Way more divided than ever.

To foster greater understanding, let’s listen to a supporter to each candidate explain their views.

First we have Antwerp Maplethorn, a Quarf Schweppes supporter from Amicroon 5:

“I simply can’t vote for a human candidate. It’s not that I’m racist, it’s just that Ted Cruz is so… human. Wait, does that light mean you’re recording? Don’t record that.”

Next we have Fromp Queebly from Ragnar 6, who is a staunch advocate for Ted Cruz:

“Ted Cruz stands for values I can believe in. Small government. Big religion. Zero relatability. Those are the qualities I look for in a leader.”

And finally, Narb Johnson, who is casting his lot in with independent candidate ham sandwich. 

“Sure, I’d love a ham sandwich.”

This has been Meet a Voter.

Earth News

Men's cycles are syncing up. Just ask your Earth Ambassadors Jacob and Aaron. 

Ep. 24 - Ghost Aliens from the Future

Galactic News

Scientists on planet Langlorn have found the cure for N.A.R.B.s.

For all you ignoramoose, is a situational disorder known only to the male of the species, or more commonly known as, a no apparent reason boner.

Jacob and Aaron just wish those scientists lived a bit closer to Earth.

Incumbent galactic president Quarf Schweppes has signed a new executive order that would completely outlaw voting.

The order comes on the heels of new polling numbers showing that president schweppes is falling farther behind earth-looney Ted Cruz and third party candidate ham sandwich.

The order is, of course, complete nonsense, and has no power whatsoever.

When reached for comment, Quarf Schweppes, cleared this throat like he was going to say something then just started softly weeping into the phone receiver. This went on for about five minutes before his campaign manager finally hung up the phone.

Earth News

Aaron might have heard someone get murdered in the apartment above his, but maybe he was dreaming. It's hard to tell. Even he is not sure. 

Happy Halloween!

Ep. 23 - Stormy Weather, Since My Alien and I Ain't Together

Galactic News 

Milp, the only known sentient moon of the planet Amicroon 8 is now on strike, citing multiple lunar rights violations as the cause.

Amicroon 8 has not yet been available for response, but if something doesn’t change, they may very well lose their only moon.

Milp the moon left us with this quote: “I’m tired of all this back and forth. Even if it takes me fifty billion years, I’m not spending one more minute in this orbit.”

Milp then started moving away from Amicroon 8 at 4cm per year. 

Galactic presidential candidates Quarf Schweppes and Ted Cruz may have some new competition on the campaign trail.

Third-party candidate ham sandwich is showing a surprising surge in key battleground planets. On some, like Pontiac 5, Ham Sandwich is now polling within four percentage points of both major party nominees.

When reached for comment, Ham Sandwich said nothing at all. Because it's a literal ham sandwich.

Earth News

Netflix is poppin' off. Shows like Luke Cage and Haters Back Off. 

Come on Netflix. We all got shit to do in our own lives.

Back the fuck off...but not really. Keep 'em coming. We love you.

Ep. 22 - The Adventures of Beard and Sallie-Boy

Galactic News

Space Turtles are on the move again.

Every century in Earth years, the space turtles start their long migration to a neighboring galaxy, which they designate as their boning galaxy.

Then, they come back to this galaxy, where they lay hundreds of eggs which are eaten by space-gulls, space-ghost crabs, and space dingos.

Bone voyage space turtles!

On the campaign trail this week, both galactic presidential candidates headed to the home planet of challenger Ted Cruz.

The stop proved trying for both candidates. Ted Cruz quickly found that his home-field advantage was nonexistent, as many hoomans continue to be under the impression that ted Cruz is, quote, some kind of alien.

Quarf Schweppes didn't fare much better. When campaigning in the Earth city of Seattle, most hoomans assumed he was homeless, and only offered their support in the form of crumpled earth-money.

Reportedly, his agitated cries of "I'm the president of the Galaxy" and did nothing to aid his flagging campaign.

Even so, Quarf Schweppes is still polling much stronger on earth than his rival, alleged Hooman Ted Cruz.

Earth News 

Dumpster babies: fact or fiction? We may never know.

Ep. 20 - American History:
For Dummies by Dummies

Galactic News 

After a humiliating defeat on Earth, former American presidential candidate Ted Cruz has thrown his hat into the galactic political ring.

This November, he will be challenging incumbent Milky Way President Quarf Schweppes for the the top office.

In an early straw poll, Milky Way residents are excited at the prospect of Cruz entering the race, because they appreciate his robotic personality and his fugly, alien-like features.

“He’s just like us,” they say.

More on this as it develops.

Doey Zeschanel, the smoothest voice in galactic funk this side of Amicroon 8, has been brutally assassinated by the second smoothest vocalist, Kennedict Bumberbatch, further solidifying his place as the funkiest comadena in the galaxy.

But watch out Kennedict Bumberbatch, Ghoopi Woldberg might be the new funkiest galactic cat on the scene, and she might be out for your funky-ass soul.

Ya dig?

Earth News

Isn't Three Ninjas about due for a revamp? 

© Jacob Rosok and Aaron Patterson, 2016